adBlockCheck

International

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
End Of Section
  • More News

India's Top Physicists Develop Plan To Get The Hell Out Of India

NEW DELHI, INDIA—Months of research and development by a team of India's top physicists have resulted in an ambitious plan to get them the hell out of the overcrowded, impoverished nuclear powderkeg, sources revealed Monday.

Chattopadhyay answers reporters' questions.

"It has been a long road, but our many nights of hard work have finally paid off," said team leader Dr. Birendra Chattopadhyay, 2001 winner of a Shanti Swarup Bhatnagar Prize, the country's top science award. "We couldn't be happier with our findings: It is not only legal, but economically viable for us to leave India by December."

The plan, which includes complex mathematical calculations on the cost of transportation out of India, as well as detailed projections regarding residency and employment prospects in the U.S., Canada, or Europe, represents the fulfillment of a "lifelong dream" for Chattopadhyay.

"I have been working toward this breakthrough all my life," Chattopadhyay said. "India is the second most populous country in the world, with a 30 percent poverty rate, a 52 percent literacy rate, and debts that swallow 80 percent of her gross domestic product. Figure in our continuing conflicts with Pakistan, and you can see why I was so passionately devoted to this project."

In addition to imagining access to modern scientific equipment and adequate funding for his research, physicist Dr. Kolluru Sree Krishna theorized what it would be like to live in a country without a caste system.

"Facts and figures point to many new opportunities for me and my family," said Krishna, loading his possessions into boxes in preparation for his move to Boston, where he will teach at MIT. "Though India is a democracy, the will of the largely uneducated non-voting population has little effect on the decisions of lawmakers, and the bureaucracy put in place by the raj continues to cripple our economy. Correction... their economy."

The team spent a majority of the past three years developing the top-secret plan, dubbed the Manhattan Or Maybe London Project, overlooking no details.

"We met some setbacks along the way, such as getting [team member] Amitabha [Patel] out of his contract at the Indian Institute of Technology," Chattopadhyay said. "But our vigilance paid off. Our findings show conclusively that I am going to live in a city where clean, potable water is readily available."

Dr. Amitabha Patel works on an equation.

For all their success, the physicists say their project got off to a slow start.

"We simply could not find an answer to our original research question: 'Now, why exactly are we here again?'" said Dr. Prashant Goswami of the Centre for Mathematical Modeling and Computer Simulation. "After months of studying the subsistence-level existence of the average Indian, who lacks modern amenities like electricity and running water and is ever threatened by drought, flood, famine, and disease, we were at a dead end."

The team, however, pressed on.

"As an astro-particle physicist, most of my work is theoretical," Goswami said. "So I applied abstract thinking to the project, imagining a place where I had access to a wealth of goods and services."

Finally, on Oct. 7, the team had a breakthrough.

"I was in Germany talking to Dr. Li Hongzhi, a physicist who had moved from China, when it hit me," Chattopadhyay said. "Apply the solution that worked so well for Li to my own problem. I couldn't get through to Amitabha, because, as always, the phones were down in New Delhi, but I knew I had the answer: Get the fuck out. Now."

Upon making the breakthrough in Germany, Chattopadhyay immediately began working 16-hour days to complete additional research in the areas of visa application, airplane tickets, and employment opportunities overseas. He also began gathering data on school districts, as well as cardboard boxes and packing tape.

In spite of their success, Chattopadhyay and the others are not resting on their laurels.

"There still remain many questions I wish to answer," Chattopadhyay said. "Is Nature supersymmetric, and if so, how is supersymmetry broken? Why does the universe appear to have one time and three space dimensions? And do I really have to wait another four weeks to get out of this godforsaken place?"

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close