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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Indifferent Jazz Just Ask NBA To Draft Them A Forward

SALT LAKE CITY—Offering incredibly vague and at times conflicting attributes for the type of player they’re looking to add to their roster, officials from the Utah Jazz reportedly asked the NBA league office Thursday to select a forward for them with the team’s first-round pick in tomorrow’s draft. “Just get the best power forward who’s available—somebody tall and good on defense, I guess,” Jazz general manager Dennis Lindsey was overheard telling NBA commissioner Adam Silver over the phone, repeatedly stressing that the decision “isn’t really anything to worry about.” “And if you don’t like any of the forwards, maybe get us a center or point guard—whoever you want, really. Just do me a favor and shoot me an email afterwards to let me know who we wound up with.” Lindsey added that if Silver is unable to find a jersey to hold alongside the player after announcing the pick, he can simply use a plain white T-shirt with the word “Jazz” written on it in black marker.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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