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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Indifferent Jazz Just Ask NBA To Draft Them A Forward

SALT LAKE CITY—Offering incredibly vague and at times conflicting attributes for the type of player they’re looking to add to their roster, officials from the Utah Jazz reportedly asked the NBA league office Thursday to select a forward for them with the team’s first-round pick in tomorrow’s draft. “Just get the best power forward who’s available—somebody tall and good on defense, I guess,” Jazz general manager Dennis Lindsey was overheard telling NBA commissioner Adam Silver over the phone, repeatedly stressing that the decision “isn’t really anything to worry about.” “And if you don’t like any of the forwards, maybe get us a center or point guard—whoever you want, really. Just do me a favor and shoot me an email afterwards to let me know who we wound up with.” Lindsey added that if Silver is unable to find a jersey to hold alongside the player after announcing the pick, he can simply use a plain white T-shirt with the word “Jazz” written on it in black marker.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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