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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Individuals Unaware They Constitute Area Man’s Support Network

INDIANAPOLIS—Unbeknownst to them, a selection of friends, coworkers, and loose acquaintances of local data entry clerk Brian Lochner make up the 28-year-old’s entire emotional support network, sources reported Wednesday. “Brian? Yeah, over the years he and I have gotten drinks after work a bunch of times—definitely a good guy to have around the office,” said coworker Jeff Aldriss, oblivious to the fact that he is the first person Lochner would call if the going really got tough and he needed someone to talk him through it. “Brian’s a sweet guy; we stop and chat in the hallway of our building a lot and it’s always very pleasant,” added neighbor Kelly Platt, who would be shocked to learn that even a minor crisis would drive Lochner to lean on her for weeks. Sources confirmed that the group’s collective ignorance is expected to continue until June of next year, when Lochner’s girlfriend of nine months leaves him following his sudden firing.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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