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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Individuals Unaware They Constitute Area Man’s Support Network

INDIANAPOLIS—Unbeknownst to them, a selection of friends, coworkers, and loose acquaintances of local data entry clerk Brian Lochner make up the 28-year-old’s entire emotional support network, sources reported Wednesday. “Brian? Yeah, over the years he and I have gotten drinks after work a bunch of times—definitely a good guy to have around the office,” said coworker Jeff Aldriss, oblivious to the fact that he is the first person Lochner would call if the going really got tough and he needed someone to talk him through it. “Brian’s a sweet guy; we stop and chat in the hallway of our building a lot and it’s always very pleasant,” added neighbor Kelly Platt, who would be shocked to learn that even a minor crisis would drive Lochner to lean on her for weeks. Sources confirmed that the group’s collective ignorance is expected to continue until June of next year, when Lochner’s girlfriend of nine months leaves him following his sudden firing.

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