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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Inexperienced Streaker To Practice In Living Room A Few Times Before Doing It For Real

JUPITER, FL—Saying that he wants to make sure he gets it right when it counts, local man and inexperienced streaker Alex Burmaster told reporters Tuesday that he plans on running nude a few times in his living room as practice before doing it for real Saturday night. “I think I’m going to run a couple naked laps around the coffee table just so I can really get a feel for it before the weekend,” said Burmaster, adding that he intends to fully expose himself in his kitchen before sprinting past his couch, entertainment center, and cat tower in an effort to work out the kinks of the process ahead of his planned streak across a local baseball field during an upcoming game. “Four or five dry runs should be enough to really get it down. I just want to know that when the time comes, I’ll be able to rip my clothes off while running at the same time, keep a good pace, and generally look confident while doing it.” As he began practicing, Burmaster added to reporters that the last thing he wants to do Saturday is “make a complete fool of [himself].”


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