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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Inexperienced Streaker To Practice In Living Room A Few Times Before Doing It For Real

JUPITER, FL—Saying that he wants to make sure he gets it right when it counts, local man and inexperienced streaker Alex Burmaster told reporters Tuesday that he plans on running nude a few times in his living room as practice before doing it for real Saturday night. “I think I’m going to run a couple naked laps around the coffee table just so I can really get a feel for it before the weekend,” said Burmaster, adding that he intends to fully expose himself in his kitchen before sprinting past his couch, entertainment center, and cat tower in an effort to work out the kinks of the process ahead of his planned streak across a local baseball field during an upcoming game. “Four or five dry runs should be enough to really get it down. I just want to know that when the time comes, I’ll be able to rip my clothes off while running at the same time, keep a good pace, and generally look confident while doing it.” As he began practicing, Burmaster added to reporters that the last thing he wants to do Saturday is “make a complete fool of [himself].”


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