adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Infant Doing Everything In Her Power To Save Relationship

BOSTON—Eight-month-old Courtney Brindle is trying her best to save her parents' crumbling marriage, the infant reported Monday. "I put in a good hour today grabbing Daddy's finger, which I think made him feel closer to me and, by extension, to Mommy," Brindle said. "But my real dilemma is, is it better to provide lots of cute moments to fill the house with a feeling of warmth and love, or should I suffer constant health problems to unite them in fear? I can't do both."

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close