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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table

CHICOPEE, MA—Eliciting repeated waves of laughter and making sure to include everyone in her lively conversations, local aunt Gina Coleman, a childless and infertile woman, is really hamming it up at the kids table this Thanksgiving, sources have confirmed. “I just feel like I’m one of the gang with you guys!” said the woman physically incapable of conceiving, as the children giggled along with their aunt whose permanently depleted ovarian reserves guarantee that her womb will remain a desolate and barren wasteland until her death. “Trust me, it’s much more fun down here; the other table is just a bunch of fuddy-duddies. Now, who’s getting this last crescent roll?” Following dinner, the woman whose body lacks all of the prerequisite conditions to create life had reportedly agreed to join her nieces and nephews for a round of Wii bowling in the basement.

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