adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Infertile Aunt Doing It Up Big At Kids Table

CHICOPEE, MA—Eliciting repeated waves of laughter and making sure to include everyone in her lively conversations, local aunt Gina Coleman, a childless and infertile woman, is really hamming it up at the kids table this Thanksgiving, sources have confirmed. “I just feel like I’m one of the gang with you guys!” said the woman physically incapable of conceiving, as the children giggled along with their aunt whose permanently depleted ovarian reserves guarantee that her womb will remain a desolate and barren wasteland until her death. “Trust me, it’s much more fun down here; the other table is just a bunch of fuddy-duddies. Now, who’s getting this last crescent roll?” Following dinner, the woman whose body lacks all of the prerequisite conditions to create life had reportedly agreed to join her nieces and nephews for a round of Wii bowling in the basement.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close