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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Infomercial Makes Leap To Big Screen

HOLLYWOOD, CA—A spokesperson for Paramount Pictures confirmed Tuesday that the studio will make a feature-length film version of the wildly popular "Abdomenizer®" television infomercial.

The Abdomenizer

"Next summer, Bruce Willis is The Abdomenizer, a marked-for-death federal agent with nothing to lose but those unsightly love handles," Paramount vice-president of development Irwin Shuler said. "On July 4, 1999, get ready for explosive firming and toning action."

The Abdomenizer, which begins shooting next month, will star Willis as Jack Tyler, an FBI munitions expert who struggles daily with overpriced exercise equipment that just doesn't deliver. As the twin crises of losing muscle tone and turning 40 hit Tyler, a mysterious young woman comes into his life and introduces him to the Abdomenizer® muscle-toning system. As the film builds to a thrilling climax, terrorists announce that a nuclear bomb will devastate Los Angeles unless Willis can lose 10 pounds of ugly stomach flab in 48 hours.

In addition to Willis, the film will feature Gary Oldman, Lauren Holly and Kurt Russell, who appears in a supporting role as a rival munitions expert who is still using those ineffective, "gimmicky" spot-reducing devices.

Bruce Willis

Said Shuler: "The climactic scene, in which Willis rushes to defuse the bomb as Russell discovers just how easy and fun The Abdomenizer® is, will renew moviegoers' faith in the beauty of life and in their ability to lose unsightly inches off the tummy, hips and thighs in just 12 minutes a day."

Greg Renker, executive producer of The Abdomenizer, described the process by which the infomerical was brought to the big screen.

"I was very skeptical when [screenwriter] Jonathan Auster told me his idea for the film," Renker said. "I thought, 'Come on, turn an infomercial into a movie?' It sounded too good to be true! So just imagine my delight when he came up with a fantastic screenplay—the script he wrote really works!"

The $85 million film will be accompanied by a major merchandising campaign, including a line of official The Abdomenizer Abdomenizers®.

Anticipation over The Abdomenizer is so high that rival studios are already developing their own infomercial-to-film adaptations. New Line Cinema recently paid Tim Burton $22 million for his Juiceman screenplay, and Orion Pictures is in negotiations with George Foreman for a film version of The George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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