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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Infomercial Makes Leap To Big Screen

HOLLYWOOD, CA—A spokesperson for Paramount Pictures confirmed Tuesday that the studio will make a feature-length film version of the wildly popular "Abdomenizer®" television infomercial.

The Abdomenizer

"Next summer, Bruce Willis is The Abdomenizer, a marked-for-death federal agent with nothing to lose but those unsightly love handles," Paramount vice-president of development Irwin Shuler said. "On July 4, 1999, get ready for explosive firming and toning action."

The Abdomenizer, which begins shooting next month, will star Willis as Jack Tyler, an FBI munitions expert who struggles daily with overpriced exercise equipment that just doesn't deliver. As the twin crises of losing muscle tone and turning 40 hit Tyler, a mysterious young woman comes into his life and introduces him to the Abdomenizer® muscle-toning system. As the film builds to a thrilling climax, terrorists announce that a nuclear bomb will devastate Los Angeles unless Willis can lose 10 pounds of ugly stomach flab in 48 hours.

In addition to Willis, the film will feature Gary Oldman, Lauren Holly and Kurt Russell, who appears in a supporting role as a rival munitions expert who is still using those ineffective, "gimmicky" spot-reducing devices.

Bruce Willis

Said Shuler: "The climactic scene, in which Willis rushes to defuse the bomb as Russell discovers just how easy and fun The Abdomenizer® is, will renew moviegoers' faith in the beauty of life and in their ability to lose unsightly inches off the tummy, hips and thighs in just 12 minutes a day."

Greg Renker, executive producer of The Abdomenizer, described the process by which the infomerical was brought to the big screen.

"I was very skeptical when [screenwriter] Jonathan Auster told me his idea for the film," Renker said. "I thought, 'Come on, turn an infomercial into a movie?' It sounded too good to be true! So just imagine my delight when he came up with a fantastic screenplay—the script he wrote really works!"

The $85 million film will be accompanied by a major merchandising campaign, including a line of official The Abdomenizer Abdomenizers®.

Anticipation over The Abdomenizer is so high that rival studios are already developing their own infomercial-to-film adaptations. New Line Cinema recently paid Tim Burton $22 million for his Juiceman screenplay, and Orion Pictures is in negotiations with George Foreman for a film version of The George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine.

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