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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Informal Tone Of Cover Letter Sets Job Applicant Apart From Seriously Considered Candidates

MILPITAS, CA—Saying his casual writing style made him “stand out immediately,” sources at Redding Media reported Monday that the informal tone of Michael Yanover’s job application had set him apart from the candidates under serious consideration. “As soon as I read his cover letter greeting of ‘Hey there,’ I could tell Michael was much different from the applicants we’ve brought in for interviews so far,” said head recruiter Anne Peabody, adding that Yanover had quickly captured her attention with the line “This job and me are meant for each other.” “I didn’t even have to get all the way to the end—after he called himself a ‘social media maven’ and a ‘certified data junkie,’ I fast-tracked his résumé to a separate pile reserved for people we won’t be getting back to.” At press time, Peabody had reportedly given Yanover’s application a second look, deciding it was worth forwarding around to the entire office.

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