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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Informal Tone Of Cover Letter Sets Job Applicant Apart From Seriously Considered Candidates

MILPITAS, CA—Saying his casual writing style made him “stand out immediately,” sources at Redding Media reported Monday that the informal tone of Michael Yanover’s job application had set him apart from the candidates under serious consideration. “As soon as I read his cover letter greeting of ‘Hey there,’ I could tell Michael was much different from the applicants we’ve brought in for interviews so far,” said head recruiter Anne Peabody, adding that Yanover had quickly captured her attention with the line “This job and me are meant for each other.” “I didn’t even have to get all the way to the end—after he called himself a ‘social media maven’ and a ‘certified data junkie,’ I fast-tracked his résumé to a separate pile reserved for people we won’t be getting back to.” At press time, Peabody had reportedly given Yanover’s application a second look, deciding it was worth forwarding around to the entire office.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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