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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Inhibitions Dropped After First Sip Of Beer

TEMPE, AZ–At a house party Saturday, Arizona State University sophomore Lisa Burrell let go of her inhibitions after a single sip of beer. "Jeff, my man, wassup?!" Burrell shouted to fellow partygoer Jeff Sharp before the half-ounce of Budweiser she had ingested was halfway down her esophagus, much less absorbed into her bloodstream. "Wanna dance, baby? Oh, yeah! Shake it!" Burrell is believed to possess the lowest voluntary alcohol tolerance in Arizona State history.

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