adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Inhibitions Found In Seedy Motel Room

ALBANY, KY—Although he planned to engage in an afternoon of depraved extramarital sex with coworker Kara Lundy, businessman Bill Castille rediscovered his inhibitions upon entering Room 7B of the Honky Tonk Motor Lodge on I-90 Monday. "I'm gonna fuck you so hard that your tr—wait. What smells like a dead animal?" Castille asked Lundy, derailing a moment of unfettered lust. "Shit, what if someone sees my car in front of this trashy place? Okay, that ceiling stain just dripped onto the bed. That's it, I'm out of here." Castille might have left sooner, had he known his conversation was audible in the motel lobby.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close