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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Inhibitions Found In Seedy Motel Room

ALBANY, KY—Although he planned to engage in an afternoon of depraved extramarital sex with coworker Kara Lundy, businessman Bill Castille rediscovered his inhibitions upon entering Room 7B of the Honky Tonk Motor Lodge on I-90 Monday. "I'm gonna fuck you so hard that your tr—wait. What smells like a dead animal?" Castille asked Lundy, derailing a moment of unfettered lust. "Shit, what if someone sees my car in front of this trashy place? Okay, that ceiling stain just dripped onto the bed. That's it, I'm out of here." Castille might have left sooner, had he known his conversation was audible in the motel lobby.

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