adBlockCheck

Sports

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
End Of Section
  • More News

Injured Andrew Bynum Starting To Wonder If He’ll Ever Waste His Talent Again

PHILADELPHIA—Following yet another season-ending knee surgery, Philadelphia 76ers center Andrew Bynum openly wondered Sunday if he will ever have the chance to completely waste his talent on a basketball court again. “I’m beginning to worry that, with all these injuries, I won’t be able to get back out there and completely squander all of my abilities,” said Bynum, admitting that his chronic knee issues could potentially prevent him from ever fully underutilizing his God-given athletic gifts. “It’s just frustrating because I know that if I’m healthy I can definitely live up to one-tenth of my potential. I just have to be patient and diligent with my rehab so I can one day throw away another opportunity to become the best center in the league.” Reached for comment, Bynum’s orthopedic surgeon Dr. David Altchek told reporters he is confident Bynum will recover in time to fritter away his wealth of natural talent at the start of next season.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close