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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Injured Andrew Bynum Starting To Wonder If He’ll Ever Waste His Talent Again

PHILADELPHIA—Following yet another season-ending knee surgery, Philadelphia 76ers center Andrew Bynum openly wondered Sunday if he will ever have the chance to completely waste his talent on a basketball court again. “I’m beginning to worry that, with all these injuries, I won’t be able to get back out there and completely squander all of my abilities,” said Bynum, admitting that his chronic knee issues could potentially prevent him from ever fully underutilizing his God-given athletic gifts. “It’s just frustrating because I know that if I’m healthy I can definitely live up to one-tenth of my potential. I just have to be patient and diligent with my rehab so I can one day throw away another opportunity to become the best center in the league.” Reached for comment, Bynum’s orthopedic surgeon Dr. David Altchek told reporters he is confident Bynum will recover in time to fritter away his wealth of natural talent at the start of next season.

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