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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Injured Manu Ginobili Only Flopping At 85%

SAN ANTONIO—Having returned Tuesday after missing 19 games with an ankle injury, Spurs guard Manu Ginobili expressed frustration with his level of play, saying that his ability to draw offensive fouls by flopping to the floor with little or no provocation was still only at "about 85 percent." "The ankle is healthy, but my flailing and splaying still aren't where they need to be," said Ginobili, who has begun to practice windmilling his arms and falling backward during shoot-arounds. "I'm used to throwing myself 10, sometimes 12 feet down court. At this point, I'm lucky if I'm getting 8 on a good flop. My wailing is good, but I need to be hitting the floor a lot harder than the guy hit me, if I was hit. I can't catch myself with my hands like I did in the second quarter tonight. That was bush league." Ginobili then flung himself out of the locker room, slid backward onto a bus, and tumbled wildly into his suburban home.

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