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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed

BAGHDAD—Many injured U.S. troops are actively lobbying for an additional six months of combat duty in Iraq to avoid returning to the United States to be treated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington.

"I've heard too many horror stories to go back to that hellhole" said Marine Pfc. Jon Hillman, 22, who suffered severe injuries in a roadside bombing last week. "I'm perfectly happy in Iraq, where at least I know that the people wearing the same uniforms as me aren't going to put my life at risk for no reason. Who knows what kind of inhumane acts I'd see there, halfway around the world."

Hillman added that he was hoping to be sent back out to patrol Iraq's streets soon, as he did not know how much longer he could fool the medical officers at the Green Zone hospital into believing he still had both of his legs.

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