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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed

BAGHDAD—Many injured U.S. troops are actively lobbying for an additional six months of combat duty in Iraq to avoid returning to the United States to be treated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington.

"I've heard too many horror stories to go back to that hellhole" said Marine Pfc. Jon Hillman, 22, who suffered severe injuries in a roadside bombing last week. "I'm perfectly happy in Iraq, where at least I know that the people wearing the same uniforms as me aren't going to put my life at risk for no reason. Who knows what kind of inhumane acts I'd see there, halfway around the world."

Hillman added that he was hoping to be sent back out to patrol Iraq's streets soon, as he did not know how much longer he could fool the medical officers at the Green Zone hospital into believing he still had both of his legs.

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