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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed

BAGHDAD—Many injured U.S. troops are actively lobbying for an additional six months of combat duty in Iraq to avoid returning to the United States to be treated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington.

"I've heard too many horror stories to go back to that hellhole" said Marine Pfc. Jon Hillman, 22, who suffered severe injuries in a roadside bombing last week. "I'm perfectly happy in Iraq, where at least I know that the people wearing the same uniforms as me aren't going to put my life at risk for no reason. Who knows what kind of inhumane acts I'd see there, halfway around the world."

Hillman added that he was hoping to be sent back out to patrol Iraq's streets soon, as he did not know how much longer he could fool the medical officers at the Green Zone hospital into believing he still had both of his legs.

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