Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed

Top Headlines

Recent News

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Injured Troops Request Extended Tours To Avoid Being Sent To Walter Reed

BAGHDAD—Many injured U.S. troops are actively lobbying for an additional six months of combat duty in Iraq to avoid returning to the United States to be treated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington.

"I've heard too many horror stories to go back to that hellhole" said Marine Pfc. Jon Hillman, 22, who suffered severe injuries in a roadside bombing last week. "I'm perfectly happy in Iraq, where at least I know that the people wearing the same uniforms as me aren't going to put my life at risk for no reason. Who knows what kind of inhumane acts I'd see there, halfway around the world."

Hillman added that he was hoping to be sent back out to patrol Iraq's streets soon, as he did not know how much longer he could fool the medical officers at the Green Zone hospital into believing he still had both of his legs.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close