Inner Cities To Receive Soothing Heroin

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Vol 30 Issue 18

Mit Think-Tank Develops 20 Great Gift Ideas

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Twelve math and science professors at a Massachusetts Institute of Technology think-tank announced their latest brainstorming success Monday: twenty great holiday gift ideas for the co-worker or loved one who seems to have everything. "We dedicated ourselves to solving this most universal of problems," said team leader and biochemistry professor Charles J. Chang, "and we are proud to say we have come up with 20 great solutions." Among the ideas: a T-shirt reading, "It's Not a Beer Gut, It's a Gas Tank For a Sex Machine," available at Spencer Gifts; a hand-held electronic golf game from The Sharper Image; and a Corvette-shaped videotape rewinder from the Suncoast Motion Picture Company. "You can rewind your tapes in it," said team member Dr. Phillip Wasserstein. "Most people rewind them in their VCRs, but if you have one of these, you won't have to."

Area Stand-Up Comedian Questions The Deal With Drive-Thru Windows

ROYAL OAK, MI—In a stand-up routine delivered Saturday at the Laff Factory, stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli questioned the deal with drive-thru windows at fast-food restaurants. "What's the deal with that box you talk into?" inquired Campanelli. "It's like, 'HOOWARGA DOOMA DOOMA UBBAGUBBA OWOP OOWAARGH!' Am I right?" Campanelli went on to suggest that an intentionally unintelligible reply would be an amusing and appropriate response from a customer in such a situation, but continued to wonder as to the deal. Campanelli will repeat his line of inquiry next Friday and Saturday at 8:30 and 11 p.m. The 37-year-old comedian has questioned other deals in the past, including the deal with those little umbrellas that come in tropical drinks and the deal with the way women go to the bathroom in pairs, as if they are talking about some sort of top-secret woman thing in there or something.

Shareware Fee Paid

SAN FRANCISCO—The international computing community was stunned Monday following the announcement that San Francisco-area computer user Jeffrey Schaeffer had paid the requested $10 fee for the shareware puzzle game CubeMania. "I enjoyed the game," Schaeffer told reporters. "And since I am keeping it on my hard drive, it is my responsibility to pay the fee." By paying the $10, Schaeffer will receive free technical support for CubeMania and upgrades when they become available. Schaeffer also recently wrote the NFL for express written consent before watching a videotape of last year's Super Bowl with several friends.

People Don't Like To Look At Me In Traffic

In this world, some people are takers and some people are givers. Me, I'm a giver. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I like to contribute to the well-being of my fellow man, because Lord only knows how much longer we'll be stranded together on this crazy rock.

Holiday Time Means Time For The Holiday Movies Time

Jingle your bells over to the bijou, because it is now the holiday season that is the season when we have Christmas and the other holidays that so many families enjoy while spending time together in reverence and watching movies on the Silver Screen.

Rising Cable Rates

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do you think?

Here Is Some Pornography For You

I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest common denominator. But I am also a business man, and enough of a realist to face the truth squarely in the eye. And the truth of the matter is that the American public is crying out for pornography. Pornography in the pages of The Onion! It's a sad state of affairs, but a strong and plentiful readership must be maintained. So here is some pornography for you, you filthy reprobates.
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Inner Cities To Receive Soothing Heroin

WASHINGTON, DC—In a humanitarian relief effort expected to greatly ease the pain of America's blighted inner cities, the federal government will begin importing and distributing the wonder-drug heroin to the growing urban underclass, President Clinton announced Monday.

President Clinton displays one of the needles that will soon pump sweet relief into America's blighted inner cities.

Citing "the horrible pain of life in America's urban centers," Clinton urged all Americans living below the poverty line to begin using the substance immediately and "forget the daily agonies of your unceasingly horrific lives in a mind-numbing rush of glorious, opiate-induced oblivion."

"A lighter, a spoon, some cotton balls and a syringe are all America needs to end the misery of poverty forever," Clinton continued. "Poor people of the nation everywhere dream of a way out of the ghetto, and I am here to tell them: Do not give up on that dream. America, heroin is that way out."

Government officials were unanimous in their support for the president's plan.

"This stuff is unbelievable—we're talking 100 percent pure unrefined China White," U.S. Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) said. "Our nation's poor are clearly going to be on cloud nine once this 'mainline' hits the vein."

According to CIA Director John Deutch, no price is too great to pay for injections of the precious substance.

"These struggling people won't be thinking about anything—not poverty, not starvation, not savage, random gang beatings—nothing at all but that next sweet, sweet taste," Deutch said. "What an incredible rush it will be for them."

According to federal studies, the levels of crime, poverty, despair and misery within the nation's inner cities have grown so rapidly in recent years as to make survival "an impossibly hopeless task, endurable only through the aid of massive, regular smack injections."

"Once these disenfranchised masses begin to shoot up, they will feel like they can do anything," said Bruce McCartland, a top Clinton aide. "And I mean anything: get a high-paying job, buy a new car, escape the vicious cycle of poverty. You name it—when you're on the nod, anything seems possible."

A Bronx, NY, resident unwinds after a long, hard day with a relaxing hit of government-supplied heroin.

The program has the added advantage, said U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala, of requiring no taxpayer funding, as the substance can be purchased at bulk and sold for a small profit on city streets.

"It's an extremely cost-effective program," Shalala said. "Once it gets off the ground it will require very little additional funding, as our studies show that the heroin users themselves will be willing to pay for further doses of the substance. Heroin users are wonderfully resourceful and entrepreneurial when it comes to finding the money to purchase drugs. Some even start their own small businesses, such as selling their bodies, or even the drug itself, in order to pay for their next 'fix.'"

As an added bonus, the new program will help foster a strong sense of community within inner cities, as heroin users will likely often be forced to share needles.

"There's nothing more beautiful," McCartland said, "than seeing a group of young addicts coming together to pass the needle around."

The latest in a recent string of psychoactive drugs to hit the market, heroin functions much like other commercially available anti-depressants, such as Prozac and Zolaft, which have created an unprecedented boom in drug-therapy pharmaceuticals in recent years. However, experts say heroin is even more powerful, causing an incredibly pleasurable sensory overload of the central nervous system and creating a near-total shutdown of the areas of the brain that register pain.

"Zolaft and Prozac have greatly improved the emotional lives of millions of America's mildly dissatisfied, upper-middle class suburbanites," said Dr. Louis Reed, author of the bestselling Listening To Heroin. "But let's face it: Prescribing Prozac to the wretched, world-weary human flotsam of the inner cities would be like putting a band-aid on a massive head wound. Nothing less than total chemically induced escape from reality will do. Heroin is the way."

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