Inner-City Community Bands Together To Find Missing Parent

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

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Inner-City Community Bands Together To Find Missing Parent

DETROIT—In a heartwarming display of community feeling, members of the Delray neighborhood in southwest Detroit have banded together to find Milo Patterson, 38, the latest parent to vanish in the string of mysterious abductions that has plagued the area.

A local resident posts a sign in hopes someone has seen Patterson (below).

Patterson, an avid sports fan and a father of three who had recently enrolled in an auto-mechanic training program, disappeared April 3, shortly after a disagreement with his wife Janine. He is 5'8", of medium build, and was last seen wearing a Tommy Hilfiger windbreaker, jeans, and tan work boots. He has a tattoo of the Michelin Man on his left bicep.

"Whatever is going on, it's terrifying," said Clarissa Williams, who lives in the same housing complex as the missing father and has made her apartment a home base for the building's search efforts. "It couldn't be a worse time for this tragedy. Milo's got kids, a girlfriend he mighta knocked up, and from what I've been hearing, he owes money to just about everybody."

"We have no idea if Milo was abducted, or if he's lying hurt somewhere," Williams said. "All we know is that he disappeared without one word to his kids, his wife, or his boss down at Speedy Lube."

Williams said she has spent the past week collecting recent photos of Patterson and covering the area between Fort Street and the Detroit River with "missing parent" signs.

"Milo, wherever you are, don't worry!" Williams said. "We'll find you."

At an organizational meeting held Tuesday at the Christ the Redeemer Church, volunteers divided themselves into three search parties and began combing the neighborhood for clues.

"First place we checked was the Velvet Room over on Sunset," said longtime Delray resident Alfredrick Brussard. "But the bartender said he hadn't seen Milo all week. Then we went over to the Checker Bar & Grill, where he likes to go for happy hour, and his friend Art's apartment, where he watches the games."

"We also sent a search party down to the Freddy's Towing parking lot and around by those picnic tables in Lincoln Park," Brussard continued. "Well, there wasn't any trace of him anywhere. It's like he vanished into thin air."

Patterson's wife Janine Ordonez explained that, before alerting police to the case, she made sure that he was really missing.

"I'm used to him disappearing now and again for a spell," said Ordonez, tears welling up in her eyes. "But when my payday came around and he didn't even show up, I said, 'Lord Jesus, my baby's gone.'"

Neighborhood resident Clive Delapaz said he and friends held a candlelight prayer vigil on Friday for the missing man.

"It's important not to lose hope," Delapaz said. "God works in mysterious ways, and Milo's disappearance is all a part of His plan. We must have faith."

Hardware-store clerk Moses Mitchell, 58, led Monday's second-shift search party.

"In an emergency situation, it's important not to panic," Mitchell said. "I told everyone to stay calm. Especially Milo's mother—she was fixing to move in with him and Janine."

Detroit police officer Aubrayo Venzetti said the 4th Precinct has been working around the clock to find Patterson.

"We're doing everything we can to find this man," Venzetti said. "We've contacted federal authorities, but they seem reluctant to send additional assistance. Surprisingly, even local TV and radio stations have been slow to get involved."

As they wait for help, local community members continue their efforts. Tedaryl Kudrow, who owns a liquor store frequented by the missing man, has placed Patterson's photo on the front of his cash register.

"I'm doing what I can, and that's not just 'cause Milo was a good customer," Kudrow said. "Sad thing is, abductees are not the only victims in an abduction. What will happen to the children these kidnappers have left fatherless? For the sake of those kids, we have got to find Milo."

Patterson is the 53rd adult to go missing in the Delray neighborhood this year.