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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Inner-City Stabbings Leave Five Maidless

CHICAGO—A string of inner-city stabbings left five residents of Chicago's wealthy Highland Park suburb maidless this weekend.

According to police, the crimes seem to be related, in that all five residents were left without kitchen and dining room service for their morning meal.

"It was horrible," said Highland Park resident Edmund O. Rayburn. "We were left with no choice but to perform such tasks as making the bed, running cold water from the tap, and pulling out chairs for ourselves before sitting on them."

The Chicago Police Department is conducting a full-scale investigation of the interruption in maid service, and plans to issue a formal report to the Highland Park Gate and Security Service by the end of this week.

"We're doing everything we can to find the perpetrator," Police Chief Stan Jacoby said. "And we're urging everyone on Chicago's streets to be wary. We don't want any gardeners to disappear. There's been enough suffering."

According to reports, the Highland Park residents' agonizing maidlessness lasted over 12 hours, ending only when a Chicago-area domestic temp agency airlifted in emergency replacement maids, free of charge. "It was the least we could do," said Marcy Peters, assistant manager of Maid Just For You! "Nobody should ever have to go maidless. Ever."

Highland Park, IL, residents Bunny and Peter Devlinger were left with dirty towels and unmade beds when maid Georgette Davis was stabbed 47 times in the neck and chest Sunday morning.

Victims reported feeling confused and vulnerable, sometimes even frightened, during the hours in which they were maidless.

"The doorbell rang and we didn't really know how to react," Lillian Worthington, 58, said. "We just sat at the table looking at each other until it stopped."

Fortunately for Worthington, the maid was the only member of her staff to be stabbed repeatedly in the throat, allowing services such as cooking and car-washing to continue unaffected.

"The wet towels in the bathroom didn't get replaced until after noon, and my newspaper wasn't even ironed," said victim Peter Devlinger. "Georgette's murder couldn't have been more inconvenient."

The Devlinger household was further disrupted when the deceased maid's daughter arrived to pick up her mother's belongings. "She came in, sobbing hysterically, and I didn't know what to do," Devlinger said. "Normally, that's just the type of thing that Georgette would handle."

For several of the residents, simply not knowing if their maid was all right was the hardest part.

"I spent a lot of time on Sunday tracking my maid down," said Edwina Haversham, head of the Haversham Insurance Trust Ladies' Board. "I had to find out her name, and then I had to get her phone number from one of the other help, and then I actually had to speak with her family. It was a horrible, exhausting bother, and for what? Just to find out that she'd been killed, and I had to hire a new girl anyway."

Bernetta Voorhees, vice president of ChicagoCom, a local telecommunications corporation, located her maid Sunday morning in an unresponsive critical state in a Chicago hospital. "I guess all we can do is pray," Voorhees said, "that we can find someone else who can shine a silver service the way Minnie could."

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