Inner-City Stabbings Leave Five Maidless

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Vol 30 Issue 04

U.S. Consumers Demand Wider Selection

WASHINGTON, DC—Dissatisfied with their current range of choices, American consumers banded together Sunday to demand a wider selection of merchandise from the nation's retailers. "The current so-called 'selection' is deplorable," said group spokesperson and educated shopper Georgette Hughes. "Most things you buy, there's barely more than 20 varieties. When I go to an electronics chain, I want to see several hundred VCRs from which to choose. When I'm shopping for kitty litter, I want a thousand. This is bullshit." Hughes is calling for a mass boycott of all U.S. stores, with the exception of Home Depot and Wal-Mart.

Erik Estrada Big In Mexico

LOS ANGELES—According to word out of Hollywood, former CHIPs star and '70s sex symbol Erik Estrada is reportedly big in Mexico. "Yeah, Erik Estrada. Sure, I remember him—supposedly he's real big in Mexico now," said Ron Wolfstein, partner in the prominent talent agency of Wolfstein, Miller and Diamond. "I think I heard something about him being on whatever the big soap opera is down there. I forget what it's called—something like Siempre Amor, or Siempro de Todo? I'm not sure." Added Wolfstein: "Actually, forget it—I think I'm thinking of that guy from Dukes of Hazzard."

'Perfect' Birthday Card Discovered In Local Mall

SCHAUMBURG, IL—After a nearly hour-long search, which included visits to some five stationery stores, local resident Doris Kessler finally found the perfect birthday card for a friend yesterday at Woodfield Mall. "This is just perfect for Kate!" said Kessler, 47, holding the card she selected for friend and co-worker Kate Adler. The card read, "So you're 39... Again!" Said Kessler, "I love to kid Kate about her age—she'll never admit how old she is!" Kessler plans to present the card to Adler at work Thursday, along with a humorous "Over the Hill" mylar balloon. "She's just going to die when she sees that!" Kessler said.

Kremlin Reports Yeltsin In Good Health Following Burial

MOSCOW—In an effort to quell the many rumors circulating regarding the Russian president's physical condition, Kremlin officials reassured the public yesterday that Boris Yeltsin is in good health following his burial. "Mr. Yeltsin is in fine shape, strong as a Russian bear," Kremlin information director Vladimir Chernovsky said, standing near Yeltsin's grave. "In fact, just before dying, Mr. Yeltsin took a long swim in the icy waters of the Volga River, barely tiring at all." To prove his point, Chernovsky removed the six feet of dirt covering Yeltsin, pointing out his healthy skin tone, hearty frame and barely eaten eyeballs.

I'm Leaving My Fortune to That Lad On the Wireless Radio

Did you know I was once Governor of our fair state? Yes, from 1914 to 1920. I was known as the "Strip-Mining Governor" for my historic ceding of over 27 million square acres of state-owned land to the boron mining interests. Unfortunately, not a trace of boron was found, thousands of farmers and miners starved to death, and I was voted out of office after only one term. Damn those fickle voter bastards!

I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

Item! It's political mania out there, and yours truly has been in the thick of it! Now, I know I shouldn't do politics, but this year has been so spectacular that I had to put in my two cents worth.
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Inner-City Stabbings Leave Five Maidless

CHICAGO—A string of inner-city stabbings left five residents of Chicago's wealthy Highland Park suburb maidless this weekend.

According to police, the crimes seem to be related, in that all five residents were left without kitchen and dining room service for their morning meal.

"It was horrible," said Highland Park resident Edmund O. Rayburn. "We were left with no choice but to perform such tasks as making the bed, running cold water from the tap, and pulling out chairs for ourselves before sitting on them."

The Chicago Police Department is conducting a full-scale investigation of the interruption in maid service, and plans to issue a formal report to the Highland Park Gate and Security Service by the end of this week.

"We're doing everything we can to find the perpetrator," Police Chief Stan Jacoby said. "And we're urging everyone on Chicago's streets to be wary. We don't want any gardeners to disappear. There's been enough suffering."

According to reports, the Highland Park residents' agonizing maidlessness lasted over 12 hours, ending only when a Chicago-area domestic temp agency airlifted in emergency replacement maids, free of charge. "It was the least we could do," said Marcy Peters, assistant manager of Maid Just For You! "Nobody should ever have to go maidless. Ever."

Highland Park, IL, residents Bunny and Peter Devlinger were left with dirty towels and unmade beds when maid Georgette Davis was stabbed 47 times in the neck and chest Sunday morning.

Victims reported feeling confused and vulnerable, sometimes even frightened, during the hours in which they were maidless.

"The doorbell rang and we didn't really know how to react," Lillian Worthington, 58, said. "We just sat at the table looking at each other until it stopped."

Fortunately for Worthington, the maid was the only member of her staff to be stabbed repeatedly in the throat, allowing services such as cooking and car-washing to continue unaffected.

"The wet towels in the bathroom didn't get replaced until after noon, and my newspaper wasn't even ironed," said victim Peter Devlinger. "Georgette's murder couldn't have been more inconvenient."

The Devlinger household was further disrupted when the deceased maid's daughter arrived to pick up her mother's belongings. "She came in, sobbing hysterically, and I didn't know what to do," Devlinger said. "Normally, that's just the type of thing that Georgette would handle."

For several of the residents, simply not knowing if their maid was all right was the hardest part.

"I spent a lot of time on Sunday tracking my maid down," said Edwina Haversham, head of the Haversham Insurance Trust Ladies' Board. "I had to find out her name, and then I had to get her phone number from one of the other help, and then I actually had to speak with her family. It was a horrible, exhausting bother, and for what? Just to find out that she'd been killed, and I had to hire a new girl anyway."

Bernetta Voorhees, vice president of ChicagoCom, a local telecommunications corporation, located her maid Sunday morning in an unresponsive critical state in a Chicago hospital. "I guess all we can do is pray," Voorhees said, "that we can find someone else who can shine a silver service the way Minnie could."

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