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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Innovative Fat Man Combines Waffles With Ice Cream

ATLANTA—The world culinary community is hailing the ingenuity of Atlanta-area fat man Gene Bando for his counterintuitive juxtaposition of Aunt Jemima blueberry frozen waffles and Häagen-Dazs butter-pecan ice cream, resulting in a delightful taste sensation. "I have combined the best of both worlds," the obese visionary told reporters Monday. "The delicious taste of waffles combined with the irresistible flavor of ice cream truly is a win-win situation, if you will." Bando is now widely believed to be researching a bold interplay of hot dogs and gravy.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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