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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Innovative Fat Man Combines Waffles With Ice Cream

ATLANTA—The world culinary community is hailing the ingenuity of Atlanta-area fat man Gene Bando for his counterintuitive juxtaposition of Aunt Jemima blueberry frozen waffles and Häagen-Dazs butter-pecan ice cream, resulting in a delightful taste sensation. "I have combined the best of both worlds," the obese visionary told reporters Monday. "The delicious taste of waffles combined with the irresistible flavor of ice cream truly is a win-win situation, if you will." Bando is now widely believed to be researching a bold interplay of hot dogs and gravy.

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