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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Insane Man Gets A Little Perspective By Reminding Himself That He Is God

RAPID CITY, SD—Saying he had been very hard on himself recently over a series of small mistakes, local clinically insane man Isaac Whipple, 38, put things in perspective Monday morning by reminding himself that he is God. “I have a tendency to beat myself up over the tiniest little things, so when I’m feeling down like this it always helps to just sit down, take a deep breath, and remember that I am the Great God Almighty, Supreme Lord and Ruler of All Creation, and that nothing happens unless I will it,” the mentally ill Whipple told reporters, emphasizing that reminding himself he is immortal and holds sway over the lives of all living creatures “always calms [him] down a bit.” “I’m my own biggest critic and I tend to make mountains out of molehills, so it’s good to keep in mind the fact that I am a flawless and infallible being who controls everything that is and will ever be. I see all. I know all. I judge all. I am God. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.” When reached for further comment, Whipple attributed his recent bout of insecurity to the tremendous stress involved in ruling over the pits of Hell, as he is also Satan.

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