Insane Man Gets A Little Perspective By Reminding Himself That He Is God

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Insane Man Gets A Little Perspective By Reminding Himself That He Is God

RAPID CITY, SD—Saying he had been very hard on himself recently over a series of small mistakes, local clinically insane man Isaac Whipple, 38, put things in perspective Monday morning by reminding himself that he is God. “I have a tendency to beat myself up over the tiniest little things, so when I’m feeling down like this it always helps to just sit down, take a deep breath, and remember that I am the Great God Almighty, Supreme Lord and Ruler of All Creation, and that nothing happens unless I will it,” the mentally ill Whipple told reporters, emphasizing that reminding himself he is immortal and holds sway over the lives of all living creatures “always calms [him] down a bit.” “I’m my own biggest critic and I tend to make mountains out of molehills, so it’s good to keep in mind the fact that I am a flawless and infallible being who controls everything that is and will ever be. I see all. I know all. I judge all. I am God. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.” When reached for further comment, Whipple attributed his recent bout of insecurity to the tremendous stress involved in ruling over the pits of Hell, as he is also Satan.


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