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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Insane Man Gets A Little Perspective By Reminding Himself That He Is God

RAPID CITY, SD—Saying he had been very hard on himself recently over a series of small mistakes, local clinically insane man Isaac Whipple, 38, put things in perspective Monday morning by reminding himself that he is God. “I have a tendency to beat myself up over the tiniest little things, so when I’m feeling down like this it always helps to just sit down, take a deep breath, and remember that I am the Great God Almighty, Supreme Lord and Ruler of All Creation, and that nothing happens unless I will it,” the mentally ill Whipple told reporters, emphasizing that reminding himself he is immortal and holds sway over the lives of all living creatures “always calms [him] down a bit.” “I’m my own biggest critic and I tend to make mountains out of molehills, so it’s good to keep in mind the fact that I am a flawless and infallible being who controls everything that is and will ever be. I see all. I know all. I judge all. I am God. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.” When reached for further comment, Whipple attributed his recent bout of insecurity to the tremendous stress involved in ruling over the pits of Hell, as he is also Satan.

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