Insane Man Gets A Little Perspective By Reminding Himself That He Is God

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Vol 49 Issue 49

Saints vs. Panthers

The Panthers battle the Saints in a game that will certainly come down to one bullshit call. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win. 

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 14 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 14 games: Texans at Jaguars OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner...

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.

8th Grader Caked In Makeup Probably Really Confident

A slow-witted conspiracy theorist is convinced the government is behind NASA, the grisly remains of 15 hobbits is discovered in Peter Jackson's attic, and a cool guy from middle school is still sporting his phat pair of JNCOS.

New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking ...

Lawsuit Seeks Human Rights For Chimps

Borrowing rhetoric from the anti-slavery movement, a lawsuit filed in New York on behalf of four captive chimpanzees seeks to recognize chimps as legal persons with a limited right to liberty, which would prohibit them from being kept as pets or used in b...
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Insane Man Gets A Little Perspective By Reminding Himself That He Is God

RAPID CITY, SD—Saying he had been very hard on himself recently over a series of small mistakes, local clinically insane man Isaac Whipple, 38, put things in perspective Monday morning by reminding himself that he is God. “I have a tendency to beat myself up over the tiniest little things, so when I’m feeling down like this it always helps to just sit down, take a deep breath, and remember that I am the Great God Almighty, Supreme Lord and Ruler of All Creation, and that nothing happens unless I will it,” the mentally ill Whipple told reporters, emphasizing that reminding himself he is immortal and holds sway over the lives of all living creatures “always calms [him] down a bit.” “I’m my own biggest critic and I tend to make mountains out of molehills, so it’s good to keep in mind the fact that I am a flawless and infallible being who controls everything that is and will ever be. I see all. I know all. I judge all. I am God. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.” When reached for further comment, Whipple attributed his recent bout of insecurity to the tremendous stress involved in ruling over the pits of Hell, as he is also Satan.

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