BRISTOL, CT—Basing his argument on an entirely meaningless preseason game between the Chicago Bears and the New York Giants, a deranged idiot came to a completely fucking stupid conclusion Tuesday about the whole 2011 NFL season, sources confirmed.
The raving simpleton, who somehow managed to string together several words to make the moronic comments, seemed to believe he had determined—by watching 60 minutes of pointless football—how the Bears’ and Giants’ offenses, defenses, and special teams units would fare throughout the regular season and even the goddamn playoffs, for Christ’s sake. According to reports, the mentally ill oaf arrived at his nonsensical revelations by feebly analyzing the statistics and final score of the insignificant contest, which was primarily used by the coaches to evaluate third- and fourth-string players.
“Brian Urlacher is still a force to reckon with out there; even though he’s in his 12th season, the guy hasn’t lost a step,” the lunatic said in reference to a linebacker who was out on the field for four defensive series and was credited with one measly tackle. “Urlacher is going to continue to dominate for years to come.”
Throughout the two-minute postgame analysis, the severely brain-damaged dimwit talked very loudly and drew a number of foolish conclusions based on a game that was largely played by substitutes who will spend the majority of the season on the bench. While the imbecilic dipshit babbled that the victory—in a contest that served no real purpose—proved New York had no weaknesses, he reportedly failed to make any mention of the team’s questions at wide receiver, its need for a playmaking tight end, and the way mounting injuries had taken a toll on its defensive line and secondary.
“The Eagles made the big splash in free agency, but I think these Giants have all the pieces in place to win the NFC East and make a real solid run for the Super Bowl,” said the demented buffoon, who gets paid millions of dollars to offer his expertise. “They put 41 points on a very, very good defense. No team in the NFL is firing on every cylinder like the Giants.”
The thickheaded numbskull, who seemed incapable of forming complete thoughts before blurting out incredibly dumbass statements, also idiotically suggested the Giants might have a quarterback controversy, citing the fact that backup David Carr threw two touchdowns against a bunch of crappy scrubs who would consider themselves lucky as hell if they made the Bears’ practice squad.
According to the psychotic dolt, when Bears wideout Devin Hester caught a 37-yard pass from quarterback Jay Cutler, he established himself as one of the best receivers in the NFL, despite the sixth-year player’s reputation for drops and shitty route-running.
“I applaud Lovie Smith and Mike Martz for taking Hester off kickoff returns, because this kid is a star wide receiver and he needs to be positioned where he can do the most damage against opposing teams,” the clinically insane, suit-and-tie-wearing man said of the wide receiver, who tallied a whopping 40 receptions for 475 yards and four whole fucking touchdowns in 2010. “Hester is so exciting. He’s one of the best I’ve ever seen.”
The unhinged twit repeatedly placed far too much importance on trivial moments in the inconsequential game, ignorantly prattling on and on like a jackass about the significance of a false-start penalty that, according to the moron, fully indicated Bears rookie right tackle Gabe Carimi was not ready to play in the NFL.
In addition, after watching Giants top cornerback Terrell Thomas leave the game early in the second quarter with a torn ACL in his right knee, the big dumb fuck with the microphone actually questioned whether the defensive back really wanted to win the irrelevant fucking game.
Although the schizophrenic clod would have been better off sticking his head up his asshole and searching there for more relevant analysis, the mumbling lump of shit instead decreed the Bears had finally fixed their ineffectiveness in the red zone, apparently because some third- or fourth-string player managed to score a one-yard touchdown run with 30 seconds remaining against a bunch of substitutes on the Giants.
The drooling ignoramus also managed to praise Jay Cutler, an act of astonishing vapidity which in and of itself proves he should never be allowed to speak on television.