How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
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Insecure Brian Williams Only One Who Doesn't Trust Brian Williams For Latest News

NEW YORK—Although he is the most watched and widely recognized newscaster on American network television, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams continues to be plagued with crippling self-doubt, admitting Monday that he would look to "just about anyone else" for in-depth analysis of the latest national and international news before himself.

Williams barely holds it together while introducing a segment on prescription-drug prices in America.

"There are times when I truly believe that for solid, up-to-the-minute coverage that goes beyond the headlines to make sense of the events that shape our world, Americans are better off asking literally any random person on the street," the 46-year-old broadcaster said.

Williams was dismissive of the fact that, as the former chief White House correspondent and host of The News With Brian Williams on MSNBC and later CNBC, he was the clear choice to replace retiring Nightly News anchor Tom Brokaw, alleging that, "at least Brokaw knew what the fuck he was doing half the time."

"More Americans tune in to NBC Nightly News than any other network news show. Don't they know I'm on against World News Tonight, with Elizabeth Vargas? She's really got her shit together," said Williams, who characterized his prestigious, nearly quarter-century career in television news as "a complete fluke" and "certainly not anything that had to do with me."

Williams, who has been hailed as the new dean of network news journalists by several prominent TV critics and attacked as a "giant phony" by his own mind, is confident of only one thing: When breaking news happens, viewers can count on Brian Williams to be at a total loss as to why, out of all the other television journalists available, he was chosen to deliver it.

"What business did I have in Banda Aceh after the 2004 tsunami, trying to give viewers a sense of the overwhelming catastrophe that had just taken place?" Williams said. "I couldn't even figure out how to button that stupid little khaki vest,  let alone trying to put into perspective the incalculable loss of one of history's most horrendous disasters."

Known for his relentless pursuit of the truth, particularly when standing before his bathroom mirror each morning, Williams has a long track record of asking the tough questions other news anchors are unwilling to ask themselves. Among his most hard-hitting inquiries include, "Brian Williams, who do you think you are, anyway?" and "Do you have any idea just how much you suck?"

"Last night, we explored the misappropriation of federal funds during our 'Fleecing Of America' segment," Williams said. "Do you know what would've made a better subject? 'Brian Williams: The Sham To End All Shams.'"

While Williams' insecurities may come as a surprise to viewers who regularly watch the outwardly calm and confident newsman, those behind the scenes at NBC Nightly News are all too aware of the anchor's lack of self-confidence.

"I used to like the fact that Brian wasn't arrogant and smug like some other on-air personalities I've dealt with," said Eve Hodel, a makeup specialist who works on several NBC News shows. "But his constant need for validation is tiring. I try my best to reassure him that his reports are balanced, articulate, and thought-provoking, but he never believes it."

Nightly News intern Jared Kampmann echoed Hodel's observation. "This morning, he asked me if his piece on the looming threat of war with Iran was 'Brokaw-worthy,'"said Kampmann. "And once, he called me into his darkened office and said in this low voice that I was just as qualified as he was to deliver the news. It's awkward running into him now."

Many accolades, including three Emmys and several honorary degrees, have done little to increase Williams' faith in himself. As he prepares his acceptance speech for the June 5 Peabody Awards ceremony, Williams plans to single out 37 different television journalists who he feels are more deserving of the honor, including two junior-college journalism students, and five reporters who have been dead for more than 20 years.

"Will you look at that," said Williams, pointing to a large billboard bearing his image outside his 30 Rockefeller Center office window. "'The Nation's News Leader, Brian Williams.'"

"More like 'news follower,'" Williams said. "What a loser. What a giant fucking loser."

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