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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Insecurities Laid Bare In Wal-Mart Shopping Cart

OWINGS MILLS, MD–The insecurities of Wal-Mart shopper Anita Dolger, 40, were laid painfully bare Monday, when her deepest fears and self-doubts manifested themselves in her purchasing choices.

A few of the items purchased by Dolger (below), a woman about to fall apart.

"One look at [Dolger's] shopping cart betrays her deep-seated anxieties about everything from her family's financial outlook to her ability to hold her husband's interest sexually," said psychotherapist and bestselling author Dr. Shari Berman. "From the looks of her cart, that poor woman is hanging on by a thread."

Roughly half of the items filling Dolger's cart were beauty aids, revealing a woman gripped by the fear that her looks are fading. In addition to a tube of Rembrandt whitening toothpaste and a bottle of L'Oreal shampoo for "flat, limp hair" were no fewer than six skin-related items. Among them: a container of Almay Kinetin Age-Decelerating Daily Lotion, a package of Biore pore-cleansing strips, and Tan In A Bottle bronzing spray.

"Based on these three items, it appears that Dolger feels her facial skin is not firm enough, clear enough, or tan enough," said Berman, as she nodded gravely. "If she feels this way about her skin, just imagine how she feels about the rest of her body."

Berman said that Dolger, despite being only a size 11, clearly feels insecure about her weight.

"Let's see... diet soda, sugar-free candy, low-carb meal-replacement bars. We've even got a pair of control-top pantyhose here," Berman said. "This is not a woman who likes what she sees in the mirror."

Judging from the presence of the book Personal Finance For Dummies, Dolger also seems to feel insecure about her family finances.

"Mrs. Dolger's choice of books would be unremarkable if her husband hadn't recently taken a pay cut at work," Berman said. "With two young kids and no real gameplan for paying for their college education, she can't be feeling too happy about that. Then there's her concerns about her own career, which has been nonexistent ever since the birth of Corey, her oldest child. Not good."

The various stresses appear to be taking their toll, as evidenced by Dolger's selection of a Pure Moods CD.

"Pure Moods is one of those 'As Seen On TV' CDs that's a compilation of all this really soothing easy-listening stuff," Berman said. "It's got [Enigma's] 'Return To Innocence' and that 'Sail away, sail away...' song by Enya. Basically, music for women about to lose their shit."

"Looking into this blue plastic cart is like peering into her soul," Berman said. "I see fear for her future and shame over her current economic status in this roll of Sam's Club bargain-brand toilet paper. In these scented candles, I see a desire to escape life."

"What's this?" Berman continued. "Do I spy a springform pan? Anita can just add that to all the others in the cupboard. I know she dreams of being a great chef, but that pan won't change the fact that she'll never muster the lifeforce necessary to cook a gourmet meal."

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