adBlockCheck

Insecurities Laid Bare In Wal-Mart Shopping Cart

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Insecurities Laid Bare In Wal-Mart Shopping Cart

OWINGS MILLS, MD–The insecurities of Wal-Mart shopper Anita Dolger, 40, were laid painfully bare Monday, when her deepest fears and self-doubts manifested themselves in her purchasing choices.

A few of the items purchased by Dolger (below), a woman about to fall apart.

"One look at [Dolger's] shopping cart betrays her deep-seated anxieties about everything from her family's financial outlook to her ability to hold her husband's interest sexually," said psychotherapist and bestselling author Dr. Shari Berman. "From the looks of her cart, that poor woman is hanging on by a thread."

Roughly half of the items filling Dolger's cart were beauty aids, revealing a woman gripped by the fear that her looks are fading. In addition to a tube of Rembrandt whitening toothpaste and a bottle of L'Oreal shampoo for "flat, limp hair" were no fewer than six skin-related items. Among them: a container of Almay Kinetin Age-Decelerating Daily Lotion, a package of Biore pore-cleansing strips, and Tan In A Bottle bronzing spray.

"Based on these three items, it appears that Dolger feels her facial skin is not firm enough, clear enough, or tan enough," said Berman, as she nodded gravely. "If she feels this way about her skin, just imagine how she feels about the rest of her body."

Berman said that Dolger, despite being only a size 11, clearly feels insecure about her weight.

"Let's see... diet soda, sugar-free candy, low-carb meal-replacement bars. We've even got a pair of control-top pantyhose here," Berman said. "This is not a woman who likes what she sees in the mirror."

Judging from the presence of the book Personal Finance For Dummies, Dolger also seems to feel insecure about her family finances.

"Mrs. Dolger's choice of books would be unremarkable if her husband hadn't recently taken a pay cut at work," Berman said. "With two young kids and no real gameplan for paying for their college education, she can't be feeling too happy about that. Then there's her concerns about her own career, which has been nonexistent ever since the birth of Corey, her oldest child. Not good."

The various stresses appear to be taking their toll, as evidenced by Dolger's selection of a Pure Moods CD.

"Pure Moods is one of those 'As Seen On TV' CDs that's a compilation of all this really soothing easy-listening stuff," Berman said. "It's got [Enigma's] 'Return To Innocence' and that 'Sail away, sail away...' song by Enya. Basically, music for women about to lose their shit."

"Looking into this blue plastic cart is like peering into her soul," Berman said. "I see fear for her future and shame over her current economic status in this roll of Sam's Club bargain-brand toilet paper. In these scented candles, I see a desire to escape life."

"What's this?" Berman continued. "Do I spy a springform pan? Anita can just add that to all the others in the cupboard. I know she dreams of being a great chef, but that pan won't change the fact that she'll never muster the lifeforce necessary to cook a gourmet meal."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close