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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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'Inside The Golf Bag' Best Title Ernie Els Could Think Of For Autobiography

WENTWORTH, ENGLAND—PGA Tour veteran Ernie Els announced Tuesday that he had settled on the title Inside The Golf Bag for his autobiography after eliminating a number of possible titles, including Removing The Pins, Irons Man, Teeing Off, Beyond The Golf Bag, Replacing My Divots, and Behind The Golf Bag. "Coming up with something pretty good was a lot harder than I imagined," said Els, who initially intended to use the title Dude, Where's My Cart? before deciding the reference was too dated. "I really liked Hookin' It, because I thought it tapped into the uncontrollable directions life takes sometimes, but Padraig Harrington said he was almost positive some professional bass fisherman had already used the title." Els added that he plans on using most of his 50 brainstormed titles as chapter headings, confirming that he already slotted in Ball In Play, In The Hole, and Lady Hittin' From A Man's Tee.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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