Inspirational English Teacher Canceled Out By Every Other Teacher At School

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Vol 49 Issue 09

Rats’ Brains Connected Via Internet

Creating the first ever brain-to-brain interface, scientists have connected the brains of lab rats via Internet cables, allowing the animals to communicate motor information to one another even when they’re thousands of miles apart.

Josh Lemberg

Josh Lemberg made sure not to get any of the other dogs’ hopes up while choosing a pet at the local shelter

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During a goodwill trip to North Korea, former NBA star Dennis Rodman was seen palling around with the country’s leader Kim Jong-un, whom Rodman called a “friend for life,” while also praising Kim’s father and grandfather, Kim Jong-...
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Inspirational English Teacher Canceled Out By Every Other Teacher At School

SACRAMENTO, CA—Despite her effusive passion for education, constant encouragement, and heartfelt devotion to her pupils, English teacher Marcia Belsheim’s inspirational influence on Clement C. Young High School students is reportedly entirely canceled out by the attitude and conduct of every other educator employed at the institution, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Mrs. Belsheim makes me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to, but then unfortunately the rest of my classes convince me that school is a waste of my time and I probably won’t amount to anything,” said student Paul Whitaker, 15, adding that the brief glimmer of excitement he feels toward learning in his first period English class is quickly and permanently extinguished by his six other teachers’ apathetic and detached classroom behavior. “Sure, Mrs. Belsheim inspires us all to be the best we can be, but after sitting through Mr. [Edward] Durbrow’s awful science class the very next period, I really don’t give a shit about school or my future at all anymore.” At press time, weeks’ worth of Belsheim’s attentive after-school tutoring sessions for her sophomores were being systematically negated by Principal David Ford’s string of demeaning outbursts and lascivious advances toward students.

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