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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Inspirational Nike Ad Gives Woman Courage To Reach Full Spending Potential

The ad, which aired during the ESPN2 broadcast of a women's tennis match, depicted a wheelchair-bound woman pushing herself up a steep mountain to the dramatic strains of The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony." Upon reaching the top, the woman raises her glistening, muscular arms above her head in slow motion, exhausted but triumphant.

Janet Blauvelt

"That ad really got to me," Blauvelt said. "It made me realize that I hadn't even begun to tap into my savings; that I could be digging so much deeper into my wallet."

The moment the 30-second spot ended, Blauvelt put on a jogging suit and a pair of sneakers and drove as fast as she could to her local mall.

"I was totally pumped, 100 percent focused on the goal of buying Nike athletic gear," Blauvelt said. "First, I went to the Athlete's Foot and bought a pair of $110 Air Zoom Sterlings and a $22 T-shirt. Then, I went to Foot Locker and got a $95 Dri-FIT zip-up jacket. After that, I bought a $140 Nike chamois fleece pullover and a $23 Nike baseball cap at Champs. By that point, I was starting to fatigue a little, but I knew I had to keep on pushing. So I looked inward and somehow found the cash reserves to keep shopping. And that's just what I did for the next five hours. When I finally got home, I collapsed on my bed, exhilarated from the feeling that my bank account was exhausted. It was really wiped out."

"The scary thing is, if I hadn't seen that TV commercial, I never would have known just how much spending there was inside me,"Blauvelt said. "Nike truly inspired me to push my credit to the absolute limit."

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