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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Inspirational Nike Ad Gives Woman Courage To Reach Full Spending Potential

The ad, which aired during the ESPN2 broadcast of a women's tennis match, depicted a wheelchair-bound woman pushing herself up a steep mountain to the dramatic strains of The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony." Upon reaching the top, the woman raises her glistening, muscular arms above her head in slow motion, exhausted but triumphant.

Janet Blauvelt

"That ad really got to me," Blauvelt said. "It made me realize that I hadn't even begun to tap into my savings; that I could be digging so much deeper into my wallet."

The moment the 30-second spot ended, Blauvelt put on a jogging suit and a pair of sneakers and drove as fast as she could to her local mall.

"I was totally pumped, 100 percent focused on the goal of buying Nike athletic gear," Blauvelt said. "First, I went to the Athlete's Foot and bought a pair of $110 Air Zoom Sterlings and a $22 T-shirt. Then, I went to Foot Locker and got a $95 Dri-FIT zip-up jacket. After that, I bought a $140 Nike chamois fleece pullover and a $23 Nike baseball cap at Champs. By that point, I was starting to fatigue a little, but I knew I had to keep on pushing. So I looked inward and somehow found the cash reserves to keep shopping. And that's just what I did for the next five hours. When I finally got home, I collapsed on my bed, exhilarated from the feeling that my bank account was exhausted. It was really wiped out."

"The scary thing is, if I hadn't seen that TV commercial, I never would have known just how much spending there was inside me,"Blauvelt said. "Nike truly inspired me to push my credit to the absolute limit."

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