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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Inspirational Nike Ad Gives Woman Courage To Reach Full Spending Potential

The ad, which aired during the ESPN2 broadcast of a women's tennis match, depicted a wheelchair-bound woman pushing herself up a steep mountain to the dramatic strains of The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony." Upon reaching the top, the woman raises her glistening, muscular arms above her head in slow motion, exhausted but triumphant.

Janet Blauvelt

"That ad really got to me," Blauvelt said. "It made me realize that I hadn't even begun to tap into my savings; that I could be digging so much deeper into my wallet."

The moment the 30-second spot ended, Blauvelt put on a jogging suit and a pair of sneakers and drove as fast as she could to her local mall.

"I was totally pumped, 100 percent focused on the goal of buying Nike athletic gear," Blauvelt said. "First, I went to the Athlete's Foot and bought a pair of $110 Air Zoom Sterlings and a $22 T-shirt. Then, I went to Foot Locker and got a $95 Dri-FIT zip-up jacket. After that, I bought a $140 Nike chamois fleece pullover and a $23 Nike baseball cap at Champs. By that point, I was starting to fatigue a little, but I knew I had to keep on pushing. So I looked inward and somehow found the cash reserves to keep shopping. And that's just what I did for the next five hours. When I finally got home, I collapsed on my bed, exhilarated from the feeling that my bank account was exhausted. It was really wiped out."

"The scary thing is, if I hadn't seen that TV commercial, I never would have known just how much spending there was inside me,"Blauvelt said. "Nike truly inspired me to push my credit to the absolute limit."

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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