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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Inspired Man Bolts Out Of Bed At 3 A.M. To Jot Down Great New Worry

PATERSON, NJ—Quickly kicking off his sheets and reaching for a notepad on his nightstand, local 27-year-old Kyle Dowling reportedly sprang out of bed at 3 a.m. yesterday to jot down an idea for a brand-new worry. “Sometimes the best, most crippling new anxieties just come to you in the middle of the night, so it’s good to always have a pen and paper nearby to record them,” said Dowling, rapidly scribbling several shorthand notes about a new feeling of debilitating self-doubt and apprehension that had just spontaneously entered his mind. “If I think of a new paralyzing fear relating to my personal or professional life and don’t immediately write it down, there’s a good chance I’ll just totally forget about it by the time I fall asleep four hours later.” Upon waking up and rereading his notes from the previous night, Dowling confirmed to reporters that the new worry was even greater than he first thought.

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