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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Inspired Man Bolts Out Of Bed At 3 A.M. To Jot Down Great New Worry

PATERSON, NJ—Quickly kicking off his sheets and reaching for a notepad on his nightstand, local 27-year-old Kyle Dowling reportedly sprang out of bed at 3 a.m. yesterday to jot down an idea for a brand-new worry. “Sometimes the best, most crippling new anxieties just come to you in the middle of the night, so it’s good to always have a pen and paper nearby to record them,” said Dowling, rapidly scribbling several shorthand notes about a new feeling of debilitating self-doubt and apprehension that had just spontaneously entered his mind. “If I think of a new paralyzing fear relating to my personal or professional life and don’t immediately write it down, there’s a good chance I’ll just totally forget about it by the time I fall asleep four hours later.” Upon waking up and rereading his notes from the previous night, Dowling confirmed to reporters that the new worry was even greater than he first thought.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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