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Institutionalized Charles Barkley Having Trouble At New Grocery Store Job

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WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Institutionalized Charles Barkley Having Trouble At New Grocery Store Job

PHOENIX—Having served a three-day sentence for his drunk-driving conviction, former NBA star Charles Barkley admitted Tuesday he was having difficulty adapting to life outside of jail and to his new low-level job at a local Foodway supermarket. "I can't believe how fast things move on the outside," said Barkley, who sat on a park bench feeding birds as he recalled the respect he received from fellow inmates during his time as the jail's librarian. "Bagging groceries is difficult work, and I try to keep up, but my hands hurt most of the time, probably from my basketball days. I don't think the store manager likes me very much. I wish I still worked at TNT." Barkley was reportedly last seen in the bedroom of his halfway house, wearing a suit and standing on a wobbly table while carving the words "BARKS WAS HERE" on a wooden support beam.

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