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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Institutionalized Charles Barkley Having Trouble At New Grocery Store Job

PHOENIX—Having served a three-day sentence for his drunk-driving conviction, former NBA star Charles Barkley admitted Tuesday he was having difficulty adapting to life outside of jail and to his new low-level job at a local Foodway supermarket. "I can't believe how fast things move on the outside," said Barkley, who sat on a park bench feeding birds as he recalled the respect he received from fellow inmates during his time as the jail's librarian. "Bagging groceries is difficult work, and I try to keep up, but my hands hurt most of the time, probably from my basketball days. I don't think the store manager likes me very much. I wish I still worked at TNT." Barkley was reportedly last seen in the bedroom of his halfway house, wearing a suit and standing on a wobbly table while carving the words "BARKS WAS HERE" on a wooden support beam.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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