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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Insufferable Man Utters Words ‘Craft Beer Movement’

PORTLAND, OR—Sources within local pub Sullivan’s confirmed Thursday that an insufferably awful bar patron used the phrase “craft beer movement” in a fully sincere, unironic sentence. “I think the craft beer movement has completely revolutionized the bottled and draft beer industry,” said the truly unbearable man as he ordered another Fat Tire, seemingly unaware that the words coming out of his mouth were making all in earshot feel an acute mixture of revulsion and rage. “The flavor profiles alone are so much more complex, and I think the true innovators in the movement have reinvented beer, and craft beer specifically, as a luxury item.” At press time, the insufferable male was speaking at length, and without prompting, about his own home brew.

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