adBlockCheck

Business

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Insurance Company Gets Fucked Over By Another Cancer Patient

Executives at Blue Cross Blue Shield say this man is getting away with “highway robbery.”
Executives at Blue Cross Blue Shield say this man is getting away with “highway robbery.”

CHICAGO—Frustrated executives from the Blue Cross Blue Shield Association announced Friday that they are getting “completely fucked over” by Allentown, PA resident Matthew Greison, a 57-year-old man suffering from an advanced form of Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

Stressing that this is not the first issue they have had with such patients, company sources expressed their outrage to reporters over Greison's “totally unfair” comprehensive health care benefits and claimed the skyrocketing costs of his cancer treatment have gotten out of hand.

“We got the first bill and just couldn’t believe how expensive it was,” said Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO Scott Serota, adding that at first, he thought the invoice was a mistake. “Every visit to the oncologist ran about $140, not to mention the thousands of dollars for every MRI and CT scan, and then the chemotherapy and cancer drugs were more than $10,000 per month. And he paid for maybe—maybe—5 percent of it. The rest was dumped on us.”

“It’s absolute fucking bullshit,” Serota continued. “I can’t believe they’re just allowed to get away with that.”

According to reports, Blue Cross Blue Shield’s expenses have only gotten more unreasonable since Greison was first diagnosed with the life-threatening disease this past March. After an initially successful chemotherapy treatment, the health insurance company was reportedly informed that the cancer was no longer in remission and was forced to pay over $125,000 for a further two weeks of inpatient care in a hospital.

Sources confirmed that such headaches for insurance companies are unfortunately incredibly common when dealing with any cancer patient.

“These assholes are just bleeding us dry here,” said Serota. “We try to talk to them about it, to beg them to just sympathize with our situation, but they just kept bringing up bullshit excuses about deductibles and coinsurance payments and citing all these stupid small-print details about coverage eligibility. All they try to do is get out of paying for anything.”

“Trust me, dealing with these people is a total nightmare,” Serota added.

Serota went on to say that the federal government “has to step in and completely revamp this fucked-up system” and claimed that if nothing is done, many insurance companies could be stuck with increasingly costly health care bills that they will have no choice but to pay for out of their own pockets.

“The bills are really racking up at this point, and it just can’t continue like this,” said Serota, adding that cancer patients will only become harder to deal with if this disturbing trend continues. “For the sake of all insurance companies across the country, something has to change, and change soon. It’s like cancer patients don’t even care about us at all. They’re only concerned about themselves.”

“We’re human beings, goddammit,” added Serota, growing visibly incensed. “They can’t just treat us like this.” At press time, Blue Cross Blue Shield executives were relieved to learn that Greison’s coverage had abruptly expired.

More from this section

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close