Insurance Executive Fakes Own Life

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Insurance Executive Fakes Own Life

WARREN, MI–Gordon Krumrie, a 43-year-old executive with Great Lakes Mutual, admitted Tuesday that he faked his own life to collect a substantial insurance payoff.

The fraudulent Gordon Krumrie.

"It was simple," said Krumrie, who came clean after collecting more than $300,000 over a 25-year period. "Just fool the right people, make my life look believable, and every month, Great Lakes would cut me a check for $5,000."

"Plus bonuses," he added. "If they only knew."

Krumrie began laying the groundwork for his false identity at an early age. In high school, he fabricated an interest in community and local business affairs, getting elected student-council treasurer and president of his school's chapter of Future Business Leaders of America.

"It was dirty work, but I had to establish a credible cover story early," Krumrie said. "It's the first thing those insurance investigators check when they suspect a wrongful life has been committed."

Krumrie's deception continued at Western Michigan University, where he earned an economics degree, deceiving professors into thinking he had a genuine interest in a career in finance. All the while, he made the necessary behind-the-scenes connections.

"I spent four years playing along with those Sigma Chi bastards," Krumrie said. "But they left me no choice. Some of them had highly placed fathers in key firms."

Upon being hired by Great Lakes Mutual in 1982, Krumrie was careful to behave like a typical sycophantic company man, running for coffee, calling superiors by their initials, and learning important insurance lingo like "great" and "happy to do it for you, boss."

"I had to make my life seem real while establishing a paper trail," Krumrie said. "That way, if the company became suspicious enough to investigate, they'd find hundreds of calls to the head office on my telephone records and my fingerprints all over countless claimant response forms. There's no way they could have proven that my existence was a hollow sham."

Outside the office, Krumrie was careful to cover his tracks, marrying a nice, conservative woman he met at a church mixer, buying a home in the suburbs, and devoting hours of his spare time to lawn care and maintenance.

"I knew I could never let up," Krumrie said. "The tiniest slip, like forgetting to golf with the fellas on Saturdays or letting my Optimist Club membership lapse, would look suspicious. You can't give the insurance company any reason to suspect that your life is a fraud."

Over time, however, Krumrie became worn down by his hoax of an existence.

"Just a few more years, and I would have been be ready to end it all and cash in on that huge 401K," Krumrie said. "If I hadn't buckled under the strain, I would've run off to some tropical island beach with Janice from Accounting, and no one would have ever found me."

"All that insurance money," continued Krumrie, shaking his head. "But I just couldn't keep it up. I couldn't stand the lies. Faking your own life is harder than it looks."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close