Insurance Executive Fakes Own Life

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 13

Eleven-Year-Old Has Miniskirt, Pumps, Vague Notion Of What Sex Is

EL CENTRO, CA–According to reports, area 11-year-old Brianna Kimble possesses a black miniskirt, red-vinyl pumps with two-inch heels, and a vague understanding of the concept of sex. "We're not supposed to cover that until the seventh grade," said Kimble, sporting a midriff-baring "Porn Star" T-shirt, "but I know it's got something to do with when you take off your clothes and do stuff with a boy. And I think I heard somewhere that you can catch, like, diseases from it." Kimble then applied copious amounts of Hello Kitty Glitter Gloss to her lips.

NAACP Demands Less Minority Representation On UPN

BALTIMORE–Decrying the strong presence of African Americans on such programs as Malcolm & Eddie, Shasta, and The Parkers, NAACP president Kweisi Mfume called Monday for a significant reduction in minority representation on UPN. "We must step up pressure on this network to decrease the visibility of our people," said Mfume, addressing the NAACP's Board Of Directors. "America is just 13 percent black, yet on these crappy shows, we make up a full 85 percent. This is utterly unacceptable." Mfume then called for a boycott of UPN until the network "severely underrepresents us."

Message Under Juice Cap Totally Applies To Area Woman

GOOSE CREEK, TX–An inspirational message printed on the underside of an Elliott's Amazing Apple Juice bottle cap "totally applies" to area resident Carole Smith, 38. "It says, 'Often the things we search for most are already here.' That is so true," said Smith, opening the bottle. "Like friends and family and stuff." Smith praised the juice cap as "so deep."

Spelling Error Leads To Elaborate Cover-Up Doodle

OREM, UT–A spelling error led to an elaborate cover-up doodle Monday, when Lisa Cone, 16, buried evidence that she had misspelled "your" as "you're." "Luckily, I was able to transform the 'e' into a cartoon face, using the loop in the 'e' as a nose and drawing eyes above it," Cone said. "I then got rid of the apostrophe by thickening the left side of the vertical line in the 'r' until it was swallowed up entirely."

Coworkers Unable To Put Finger On What's Weird About Gary

WANTAGH, NY–For the third straight week, Gary Thurlow's coworkers at Liberty Travel remain unable to pin down what's weird about him. "I can't quite put my finger on it," Jessica Spivak said, "but there's something kinda odd." Explanations have included his mode of dress, the way he sits, the tenor of his voice, and that thing he does with his hands.

Wall Street's Wild Ride

The Dow and Nasdaq have been extremely volatile of late, plunging one minute and soaring the next. What do you think of all the wild fluctuations on Wall Street?

Did Six Million Really Visit The Holocaust Museum?

Did six million people really visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum since it opened in April 1993? That's what the United States Holocaust Memorial Council would have you believe, and if all you've been exposed to is its Zionist propaganda, you probably do. But just how many people have actually passed through the Holocaust Museum's doors?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Internet

Insurance Executive Fakes Own Life

WARREN, MI–Gordon Krumrie, a 43-year-old executive with Great Lakes Mutual, admitted Tuesday that he faked his own life to collect a substantial insurance payoff.

The fraudulent Gordon Krumrie.

"It was simple," said Krumrie, who came clean after collecting more than $300,000 over a 25-year period. "Just fool the right people, make my life look believable, and every month, Great Lakes would cut me a check for $5,000."

"Plus bonuses," he added. "If they only knew."

Krumrie began laying the groundwork for his false identity at an early age. In high school, he fabricated an interest in community and local business affairs, getting elected student-council treasurer and president of his school's chapter of Future Business Leaders of America.

"It was dirty work, but I had to establish a credible cover story early," Krumrie said. "It's the first thing those insurance investigators check when they suspect a wrongful life has been committed."

Krumrie's deception continued at Western Michigan University, where he earned an economics degree, deceiving professors into thinking he had a genuine interest in a career in finance. All the while, he made the necessary behind-the-scenes connections.

"I spent four years playing along with those Sigma Chi bastards," Krumrie said. "But they left me no choice. Some of them had highly placed fathers in key firms."

Upon being hired by Great Lakes Mutual in 1982, Krumrie was careful to behave like a typical sycophantic company man, running for coffee, calling superiors by their initials, and learning important insurance lingo like "great" and "happy to do it for you, boss."

"I had to make my life seem real while establishing a paper trail," Krumrie said. "That way, if the company became suspicious enough to investigate, they'd find hundreds of calls to the head office on my telephone records and my fingerprints all over countless claimant response forms. There's no way they could have proven that my existence was a hollow sham."

Outside the office, Krumrie was careful to cover his tracks, marrying a nice, conservative woman he met at a church mixer, buying a home in the suburbs, and devoting hours of his spare time to lawn care and maintenance.

"I knew I could never let up," Krumrie said. "The tiniest slip, like forgetting to golf with the fellas on Saturdays or letting my Optimist Club membership lapse, would look suspicious. You can't give the insurance company any reason to suspect that your life is a fraud."

Over time, however, Krumrie became worn down by his hoax of an existence.

"Just a few more years, and I would have been be ready to end it all and cash in on that huge 401K," Krumrie said. "If I hadn't buckled under the strain, I would've run off to some tropical island beach with Janice from Accounting, and no one would have ever found me."

"All that insurance money," continued Krumrie, shaking his head. "But I just couldn't keep it up. I couldn't stand the lies. Faking your own life is harder than it looks."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More