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Intact Benetton Shirt Miraculously Pulled From Bangladesh Rubble Weeks Later

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Intact Benetton Shirt Miraculously Pulled From Bangladesh Rubble Weeks Later

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Nearly three weeks after the tragic collapse of a factory building in Bangladesh, overjoyed representatives for the clothing company United Colors of Benetton announced Monday they had miraculously managed to pull a fully intact shirt from the wreckage. “We are thrilled and relieved to report the rescue of a men’s medium fuchsia short-sleeved shirt from the rubble of the Rana Plaza building,” a beaming Benetton spokesman said of the article of clothing from the company’s 2013 summer collection, which authorities believe survived the collapse of the eight-story building wedged in the spaces between two large cinder blocks. “We’re happy to report that, aside from a few smudges, the shirt is in excellent condition and only needs a slight washing before it can be shipped to retailers. We want to thank the brave rescue workers in Dhaka for never giving up hope of finding this precious shirt.” At press time, Benetton reported that the garment had been restored to its factory condition and would retail for $59.40.

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