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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Intact Benetton Shirt Miraculously Pulled From Bangladesh Rubble Weeks Later

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Nearly three weeks after the tragic collapse of a factory building in Bangladesh, overjoyed representatives for the clothing company United Colors of Benetton announced Monday they had miraculously managed to pull a fully intact shirt from the wreckage. “We are thrilled and relieved to report the rescue of a men’s medium fuchsia short-sleeved shirt from the rubble of the Rana Plaza building,” a beaming Benetton spokesman said of the article of clothing from the company’s 2013 summer collection, which authorities believe survived the collapse of the eight-story building wedged in the spaces between two large cinder blocks. “We’re happy to report that, aside from a few smudges, the shirt is in excellent condition and only needs a slight washing before it can be shipped to retailers. We want to thank the brave rescue workers in Dhaka for never giving up hope of finding this precious shirt.” At press time, Benetton reported that the garment had been restored to its factory condition and would retail for $59.40.

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