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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Intelligent, Respectable Women Across Globe Inexplicably Excited For Figure Skating

VANCOUVER—As the 2010 Winter Olympics get underway, the prospect of watching figure skating and ice dancing in all their forms has inspired a surprising amount of giddy exuberance in otherwise levelheaded women worldwide. "Did you hear? Mao Asada may perform to Nicole Kidman's love ballad from Moulin Rouge while wearing a gold-sequined shift!" the impeccably dressed Yale-educated New York–based international maritime contract attorney Ellen Conagey said to her London colleague Marlena Barstow Thursday during an intricate discussion of customs taxes and cargo liability. "It'll be, like, triple flip, triple toe loop, triple salchow, 'One day I'll fly away!' Yes! Anyway, the precedent set in Spector v. Norwegian Cruise Line makes it perfectly clear that Title III of the Americans with Disabilities Act applies to foreign-flag cruise ships in U.S. waters." According to figures kept by the International Olympic Committee, similar reactions are occurring in roughly 10 percent of the world's otherwise intelligent and respectable men.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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