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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Intensive Five-Year Study Finds Five Years A Long-Ass Time

PRINCETON, NJ—Princeton University researchers who undertook a five-year study to determine the effects of prolonged dichlorobenzene exposure on children concluded Monday that five years is "one seriously long-ass time."

"In June 1993, we began this study in an effort to find a link between artificially high levels of environmental dichlorobenzene and an assortment of birth defects and childhood ailments," team leader Dr. Darren Bellisle said. "What we wound up discovering is that five years is too damn long to spend on some stupid study."

Among the other notable findings in the 350-page report: that none of the researchers would ever have those years back again; that many of the researchers' friends had established lucrative private-sector careers, gotten married and started families; and that extreme irritability, nausea, vomiting and loss of appetite would result if any of the researchers ever heard the word "dichlorobenzene" again.

"After five years of exhaustive research, I have concluded that some things in this world are more important than learning about the effects of prolonged exposure to dichlorobenzene," team member Dr. Alex Williamson said. "My kids are almost grown now, and I wasn't even there to see it happen."

Added Williamson: "Who's president now? Do people still go to the movies and listen to music and fall in love? I wouldn't know, as I have had my head in a petri dish for the last five years."

According to Williamson's wife Judith, who plans to file for divorce this week, a direct link exists between dichlorobenzene and her husband's inability to spend quality time with his family and maybe even take his wife someplace nice every once in a while. She characterized her findings as "conclusive."

Despite the Princeton researchers' misgivings, they have earned high praise from their colleagues in the scientific community.

"This study is a real breakthrough," said Jennifer Hoyer, chief of pediatric research at Johns Hopkins University. "I myself have been involved in a one-year electromagnetic-radiation study and a three-year fetal-tissue-development study, projects which were damn long and goddamn long, respectively. But this landmark work will inspire a whole new generation of scientific researchers to say, 'Fuck it—it's just not worth it.'"

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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