adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Intensive Five-Year Study Finds Five Years A Long-Ass Time

PRINCETON, NJ—Princeton University researchers who undertook a five-year study to determine the effects of prolonged dichlorobenzene exposure on children concluded Monday that five years is "one seriously long-ass time."

"In June 1993, we began this study in an effort to find a link between artificially high levels of environmental dichlorobenzene and an assortment of birth defects and childhood ailments," team leader Dr. Darren Bellisle said. "What we wound up discovering is that five years is too damn long to spend on some stupid study."

Among the other notable findings in the 350-page report: that none of the researchers would ever have those years back again; that many of the researchers' friends had established lucrative private-sector careers, gotten married and started families; and that extreme irritability, nausea, vomiting and loss of appetite would result if any of the researchers ever heard the word "dichlorobenzene" again.

"After five years of exhaustive research, I have concluded that some things in this world are more important than learning about the effects of prolonged exposure to dichlorobenzene," team member Dr. Alex Williamson said. "My kids are almost grown now, and I wasn't even there to see it happen."

Added Williamson: "Who's president now? Do people still go to the movies and listen to music and fall in love? I wouldn't know, as I have had my head in a petri dish for the last five years."

According to Williamson's wife Judith, who plans to file for divorce this week, a direct link exists between dichlorobenzene and her husband's inability to spend quality time with his family and maybe even take his wife someplace nice every once in a while. She characterized her findings as "conclusive."

Despite the Princeton researchers' misgivings, they have earned high praise from their colleagues in the scientific community.

"This study is a real breakthrough," said Jennifer Hoyer, chief of pediatric research at Johns Hopkins University. "I myself have been involved in a one-year electromagnetic-radiation study and a three-year fetal-tissue-development study, projects which were damn long and goddamn long, respectively. But this landmark work will inspire a whole new generation of scientific researchers to say, 'Fuck it—it's just not worth it.'"

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close