adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Intensive Five-Year Study Finds Five Years A Long-Ass Time

PRINCETON, NJ—Princeton University researchers who undertook a five-year study to determine the effects of prolonged dichlorobenzene exposure on children concluded Monday that five years is "one seriously long-ass time."

"In June 1993, we began this study in an effort to find a link between artificially high levels of environmental dichlorobenzene and an assortment of birth defects and childhood ailments," team leader Dr. Darren Bellisle said. "What we wound up discovering is that five years is too damn long to spend on some stupid study."

Among the other notable findings in the 350-page report: that none of the researchers would ever have those years back again; that many of the researchers' friends had established lucrative private-sector careers, gotten married and started families; and that extreme irritability, nausea, vomiting and loss of appetite would result if any of the researchers ever heard the word "dichlorobenzene" again.

"After five years of exhaustive research, I have concluded that some things in this world are more important than learning about the effects of prolonged exposure to dichlorobenzene," team member Dr. Alex Williamson said. "My kids are almost grown now, and I wasn't even there to see it happen."

Added Williamson: "Who's president now? Do people still go to the movies and listen to music and fall in love? I wouldn't know, as I have had my head in a petri dish for the last five years."

According to Williamson's wife Judith, who plans to file for divorce this week, a direct link exists between dichlorobenzene and her husband's inability to spend quality time with his family and maybe even take his wife someplace nice every once in a while. She characterized her findings as "conclusive."

Despite the Princeton researchers' misgivings, they have earned high praise from their colleagues in the scientific community.

"This study is a real breakthrough," said Jennifer Hoyer, chief of pediatric research at Johns Hopkins University. "I myself have been involved in a one-year electromagnetic-radiation study and a three-year fetal-tissue-development study, projects which were damn long and goddamn long, respectively. But this landmark work will inspire a whole new generation of scientific researchers to say, 'Fuck it—it's just not worth it.'"

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close