Interim CIA Director Assures Nation He Engages In No Sexual Activity Whatsoever

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Vol 48 Issue 46

Sunday, November 18

Smelly Randall will be in Roosevelt Park yelling at pigeons from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., after which he’ll hold a brief Q&A.

Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense

LOS ANGELES—The mood in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room was upbeat this morning as players were reportedly enthusiastic about new head coach Mike D’Antoni’s policy of never forcing them to play any defense whatsoever.
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Interim CIA Director Assures Nation He Engages In No Sexual Activity Whatsoever

WASHINGTON—Following the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus amid recent reports of marital infidelity, current acting director Michael Morell assured Americans Monday that he does not engage in any form of sexual activity whatsoever. “Under no circumstances do I ever take part in sexual acts of any kind, nor do I desire to, nor have I ever deemed this activity necessary in any way,” Morell told reporters at a press conference, explaining that his genitals are “solely for excreting urine and absolutely nothing else.” “I have never had sex in the past, I am not having sex now, and I guarantee I will never have sex in the future, be it for pleasure, procreation, or any other purpose. Indeed, I am a fully asexual being who possesses neither the need nor the inclination for sexual intercourse.” Morell then stared unblinkingly at the assembled press corps for a full five minutes.

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