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Intern Just Happens To Be Beautiful 22-Year-Old Woman

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Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

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Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

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HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

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Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
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Intern Just Happens To Be Beautiful 22-Year-Old Woman

Kestrel, a bright and talented person who, by pure chance, happens to be an attractive 22-year-old female.
Kestrel, a bright and talented person who, by pure chance, happens to be an attractive 22-year-old female.

NEW YORK—In a turn of events sources described as “completely coincidental in every way,” the new intern at the consulting firm Marcus, McMahon, and Grieg, in addition to being the most qualified candidate for the position, also just happens be a gorgeous 22-year-old woman, reports confirmed Tuesday.

“She’s a real gem—smart as a whip, and so full of energy and life,” consultant James Pratt said of Melody Kestrel, who was selected for the yearlong internship at the upscale midtown Manhattan firm and who follows in the footsteps of four equally stunning, but also uniquely qualified, young women to hold the position since 2008. “She came in here and she just nailed the interview. Frankly, I was impressed with her the minute she walked through the door.”

According to reports, the stylish, fit 5-foot-10 Kestrel was chosen as the best candidate for the job over four coincidentally less attractive 22-year-old women, an unattractive 23-year-old woman, and six men. Sources at the firm described her as a “a really hard worker,” saying she really “fits in” at the office well, has a “great attitude,” and “picks things up fast.”

Although at one point there were doubts as to whether she would be selected for the internship—she was “neck and neck,” according to human resources coordinator Dale Froley, with another highly qualified young woman who was, by pure happenstance, slightly less attractive—Froley feels confident he made the right choice in deciding on Kestrel.

“It’s good to get involved with the interns, figure out what makes them tick, so they can get the most out of their experience here,” said Froley, adding that he is considering implementing a “professional mentor” program with the interns in which they would meet with their staff supervisor several times a week for one-on-one face time. “I think it’s important, especially for a senior staffer like me, to spend time with Melody and show her the ropes of the business.”

“Maybe four or five times throughout the duration of the internship,” Froley said. “Go out for coffee. Get away from the pressures of the office.”

Some within the office have even gone so far as to agree that Scott’s not doing so good in the facility coordinator position and, come to think of it, Kestrel might make a better fit than Scott.

“Melody’s great, I really like her,” said Marcus, McMahon, and Greig partner Frank Waldorf, who fails to remember the name of any intern who is not a sexually attractive 22-year-old woman. “She would do great here on a full-time basis after her internship’s up—she just really clicks around here. I hope we hire her.”

Bill McMahon, company CEO, said he saw the potential of the woman who, though it bears no relation to her recent hiring, is an absolute stunner, and whom he regularly engages in friendly chitchat when he runs into her at the building’s fitness center.

“Quite simply, she’s the kind of person we like to see around here,” said McMahon, who regularly sends Kestrel encouraging e-mails in which he asks how she’s liking the office and tells her not to be afraid to ask questions because “[his] door is always open.” “I let her know that if she ever needs help, I’ll be here to talk. Young people like herself who shows an interest in the business world—well, if I can help give them a boost, I’m happy to do it.”

Sources also reported that, through a complete fluke, all three partners of Marcus, McMahon, and Grieg just happen to be middle-aged white males.

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