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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Intern Strikes Up Friendship With Least-Respected Employee

Allison Bennett has been taken under the wing of veteran employee Mike Fryer, the most marginalized and disrespected person in the company.
Allison Bennett has been taken under the wing of veteran employee Mike Fryer, the most marginalized and disrespected person in the company.

DENVER—After starting at the company just three weeks ago, 22-year-old Wenger Marketing intern Allison Bennett told reporters Thursday that she has already befriended 36-year-old digital content coordinator Mike Fryer, the least-respected employee in the entire office.

“I’m still pretty new and don’t know many people, but Mike really went out of his way to welcome me here,” Bennett said of the consistently marginalized man whose meager contributions to the company are not at all valued by any of his 60 coworkers. “He’s been so great. He showed me around the office and always encourages me to come to him if I ever need anything. Other people are really wrapped up in their work and don’t pay me much attention, but Mike always seems to make time to stop by and talk to me in the mornings.”

“Basically, whenever I have a question that I don’t want to bother my boss with, I go to Mike,” added Bennett of the man who has not been entrusted with a single meaningful work task in over three years. “It’s just nice to have a friend in the office who I feel comfortable talking to.”

According to Bennett, Fryer—who sources confirmed is routinely thought of as the company’s least essential employee, and is in fact referred to as this behind his back—took her out to lunch at a local café during her first week as an intern, where the two spoke at length about their backgrounds and general interests. After learning that Bennett was a fan of reading historical fiction, sources said Fryer offered to recommend several of his favorites in the genre and quickly emailed her the titles upon returning to the office.

Fryer is said to talk with Bennett at various times throughout the day on Gchat, and the 22-year-old recent college graduate has reportedly not yet picked up on the fact that everyone else at the company feels things would run just as smoothly, if not smoother, if Fryer never showed up to the office ever again.

Sources confirmed that the two are already friends on Facebook, and that Fryer is the only person at the company with whom Bennett is connected on the social media site.

“This is my first internship, and I feel like Mike has kind of taken me under his wing,” said Bennett, who falsely assumes that other employees like and respect Fryer as much as she does, and that being taken under Fryer’s wing might somehow be an advantageous thing for her career. “He’s obviously worked here for years and knows how everything works, so he’s a great resource in that respect. But we’re also friends, so we can have fun and chat about random stuff, too.”

Reports confirmed that last Tuesday, after a visibly upset Bennett was reprimanded for an oversight on an assignment, Fryer pulled her aside and reassured her that it was “fine” and that she shouldn’t “beat [herself] up about it.” Reports also confirmed that Fryer’s consistent errors over the past four years have left him on the very cusp of being fired.

In addition, Bennett told reporters that Fryer recently invited her to join him and his girlfriend at a showing of an independent film next weekend. Furthermore, sources said that, unbeknownst to Bennett, Fryer’s coworkers never seriously consider any of his opinions during meetings, and he is consistently complained about on a daily basis by employees from every department.

“No matter what happens with this job, I’m hoping that Mike and I will keep in touch and stay friends after the internship is over,” said Bennett, reportedly unaware that Fryer has struck up similar friendships with every single intern before her. “He’s an awesome guy.”

At press time, the entire office at Wenger Marketing was talking about how “pathetic” it is that Fryer has glommed onto the new intern.

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