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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Internal Affairs Investigator Disappointed Conspiracy Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top

MILFORD, CT—Milford Police Department Internal Affairs investigator Sean Ferris was visibly dismayed Monday to learn that his probe into a scheme to abuse departmental mailing privileges did not involve the collusion and complicity of the highest levels of municipal government. "As someone whose job it is to uncover the truth, I find it extremely suspicious when two low-ranking officers take the fall for a potentially massive criminal conspiracy," said Ferris, who pursued for months "the theory that" Mayor James Richatelli was "pulling the strings." "You exhaust yourself searching for the missing piece to the puzzle, only to find that the puzzle was actually complete all along. Sometimes, you just have to accept that it was only two guys stealing postage." Ferris said he followed a similar "gut instinct" in a 2003 case that eventually led to the demotion of two MPD cafeteria workers who were "irresponsible with condiment disbursement."

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