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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Internal Affairs Investigator Disappointed Conspiracy Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top

MILFORD, CT—Milford Police Department Internal Affairs investigator Sean Ferris was visibly dismayed Monday to learn that his probe into a scheme to abuse departmental mailing privileges did not involve the collusion and complicity of the highest levels of municipal government. "As someone whose job it is to uncover the truth, I find it extremely suspicious when two low-ranking officers take the fall for a potentially massive criminal conspiracy," said Ferris, who pursued for months "the theory that" Mayor James Richatelli was "pulling the strings." "You exhaust yourself searching for the missing piece to the puzzle, only to find that the puzzle was actually complete all along. Sometimes, you just have to accept that it was only two guys stealing postage." Ferris said he followed a similar "gut instinct" in a 2003 case that eventually led to the demotion of two MPD cafeteria workers who were "irresponsible with condiment disbursement."

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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