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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Internal Affairs Investigator Disappointed Conspiracy Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top

MILFORD, CT—Milford Police Department Internal Affairs investigator Sean Ferris was visibly dismayed Monday to learn that his probe into a scheme to abuse departmental mailing privileges did not involve the collusion and complicity of the highest levels of municipal government. "As someone whose job it is to uncover the truth, I find it extremely suspicious when two low-ranking officers take the fall for a potentially massive criminal conspiracy," said Ferris, who pursued for months "the theory that" Mayor James Richatelli was "pulling the strings." "You exhaust yourself searching for the missing piece to the puzzle, only to find that the puzzle was actually complete all along. Sometimes, you just have to accept that it was only two guys stealing postage." Ferris said he followed a similar "gut instinct" in a 2003 case that eventually led to the demotion of two MPD cafeteria workers who were "irresponsible with condiment disbursement."

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