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International AIDS Conference Attendees Receive Complimentary Gift Bag Full Of Awesome AIDS Gear

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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International AIDS Conference Attendees Receive Complimentary Gift Bag Full Of Awesome AIDS Gear

WASHINGTON—Upon entering the Walter E. Johnson Convention Center Monday, attendees of the 2012 International AIDS Conference were reportedly treated to free gift bags full of top-notch AIDS gear. “Man, they gave us some really sweet AIDS stuff this year,” immunologist Dr. Scott Fletcher, 41, told reporters as he held up his awesome new AIDS schwag, which consisted of an AIDS lanyard, an AIDS coffee mug, an AIDS t-shirt, and a complimentary AIDS iTunes gift card. “I needed a new case for my phone anyway, so now that I have this AIDS hard-shell iPhone protector, I guess I won’t have to go out and buy one myself.” At press time, no one was paying attention to the keynote address being delivered by former President Bill Clinton, as they were too busy unwrapping their free AIDS Nintendo DS consoles.

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