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International

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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International AIDS Conference Attendees Receive Complimentary Gift Bag Full Of Awesome AIDS Gear

WASHINGTON—Upon entering the Walter E. Johnson Convention Center Monday, attendees of the 2012 International AIDS Conference were reportedly treated to free gift bags full of top-notch AIDS gear. “Man, they gave us some really sweet AIDS stuff this year,” immunologist Dr. Scott Fletcher, 41, told reporters as he held up his awesome new AIDS schwag, which consisted of an AIDS lanyard, an AIDS coffee mug, an AIDS t-shirt, and a complimentary AIDS iTunes gift card. “I needed a new case for my phone anyway, so now that I have this AIDS hard-shell iPhone protector, I guess I won’t have to go out and buy one myself.” At press time, no one was paying attention to the keynote address being delivered by former President Bill Clinton, as they were too busy unwrapping their free AIDS Nintendo DS consoles.

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