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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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International Atom Registry Allows Customers To Name Atom After Loved One

HOT SPRINGS, AR—For only $26.75, customers worldwide can now honor their loved ones by naming an individual atom after them, executives at the International Atom Registry, Inc. announced Monday. "Every time that special someone looks at the matter containing their special individual atom, they'll think of you and your lasting tribute," said Guy Warriner, IAR president and chief archivist. "But hurry—the universe's 1x10(^78) atoms won't last forever!" Special packages are available for those who wish to name very special atoms, such as those that make up the Vietnam War Memorial, the turf of Lambeau Field, or the sweater Lisa Kudrow wore for the final episode of Friends.

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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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