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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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International Atom Registry Allows Customers To Name Atom After Loved One

HOT SPRINGS, AR—For only $26.75, customers worldwide can now honor their loved ones by naming an individual atom after them, executives at the International Atom Registry, Inc. announced Monday. "Every time that special someone looks at the matter containing their special individual atom, they'll think of you and your lasting tribute," said Guy Warriner, IAR president and chief archivist. "But hurry—the universe's 1x10(^78) atoms won't last forever!" Special packages are available for those who wish to name very special atoms, such as those that make up the Vietnam War Memorial, the turf of Lambeau Field, or the sweater Lisa Kudrow wore for the final episode of Friends.

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