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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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International Atom Registry Allows Customers To Name Atom After Loved One

HOT SPRINGS, AR—For only $26.75, customers worldwide can now honor their loved ones by naming an individual atom after them, executives at the International Atom Registry, Inc. announced Monday. "Every time that special someone looks at the matter containing their special individual atom, they'll think of you and your lasting tribute," said Guy Warriner, IAR president and chief archivist. "But hurry—the universe's 1x10(^78) atoms won't last forever!" Special packages are available for those who wish to name very special atoms, such as those that make up the Vietnam War Memorial, the turf of Lambeau Field, or the sweater Lisa Kudrow wore for the final episode of Friends.

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