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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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International Atom Registry Allows Customers To Name Atom After Loved One

HOT SPRINGS, AR—For only $26.75, customers worldwide can now honor their loved ones by naming an individual atom after them, executives at the International Atom Registry, Inc. announced Monday. "Every time that special someone looks at the matter containing their special individual atom, they'll think of you and your lasting tribute," said Guy Warriner, IAR president and chief archivist. "But hurry—the universe's 1x10(^78) atoms won't last forever!" Special packages are available for those who wish to name very special atoms, such as those that make up the Vietnam War Memorial, the turf of Lambeau Field, or the sweater Lisa Kudrow wore for the final episode of Friends.

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