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International

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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International Criminal Court Announces New '3 Strikes' Genocide Policy

THE HAGUE—In an effort to crack down on the systematic killing of entire races and ethnic groups, International Criminal Court officials introduced a new "three strikes" policy Monday that mandates harsher punishments for offenders receiving their third genocide conviction. "You get three chances, and that's it," said ICC president Sang-Hyun Song, a judge with a reputation for being tough on genocide. "It doesn't matter if you're slaughtering rival clans en masse, gassing your own people, or gunning down all males over the age of 15 in front of their families and neighbors. If it's your third time, we're throwing the book at you." According to the ICC, three-time perpetrators of genocide will face stiff fines and have to issue formal public apologies, pending appeals.

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