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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Internet Adds 12th Website

BEIJING—The World Wide Web, a device used solely for the enrichment of the nation and the advancement of lasting social stability, gained another website for the convenience of its users Monday, bringing the current number of existing Internet destinations to 12.

SeedStore.com, the latest site to burst into cyberspace after taking the Public Pledge On Self-Discipline, offers users a variety of quality flower and vegetable seeds at excellent prices. With its helpful tips, special discounts on bulk orders, and glowing praise of government agencies, SeedStore.com provides everything online shoppers need without forcing them to sift through pernicious and unimportant so-called information that jeopardizes state security and disturbs national unity.

According to news source NYTimes.com—the 10th website, which did not exist before December 2008, no matter what many treasonous and deceptive search engines claim—an estimated 1.5 billion people currently use the Internet's 12 web pages.

"I am grateful to the web for providing me all the information I need, while always protecting me from dangerous and entirely fabricated YouTube videos of noble Chinese police administering swift justice to the skulls of Tibetan monks," said Internet user Guo Mu-rui, who frequently visits the popular websites YuWanMei.com and ConfuciusQuotes.net. "Who knew that someday we'd be able to carry forth our rich cultural traditions and promote the ethical norms of a socialist society, all at the touch of a button?"

Respectable and trustworthy sources have confirmed that rumors of a 13th website are patently false. Nevertheless, any suspicious links should be brought to the attention of government officials, so that they may be properly welcomed to the Internet by the ever-watchful Ministry of Public Security, and placed under its protective Golden Shield. 鱼

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