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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Internet Adds 12th Website

BEIJING—The World Wide Web, a device used solely for the enrichment of the nation and the advancement of lasting social stability, gained another website for the convenience of its users Monday, bringing the current number of existing Internet destinations to 12.

SeedStore.com, the latest site to burst into cyberspace after taking the Public Pledge On Self-Discipline, offers users a variety of quality flower and vegetable seeds at excellent prices. With its helpful tips, special discounts on bulk orders, and glowing praise of government agencies, SeedStore.com provides everything online shoppers need without forcing them to sift through pernicious and unimportant so-called information that jeopardizes state security and disturbs national unity.

According to news source NYTimes.com—the 10th website, which did not exist before December 2008, no matter what many treasonous and deceptive search engines claim—an estimated 1.5 billion people currently use the Internet's 12 web pages.

"I am grateful to the web for providing me all the information I need, while always protecting me from dangerous and entirely fabricated YouTube videos of noble Chinese police administering swift justice to the skulls of Tibetan monks," said Internet user Guo Mu-rui, who frequently visits the popular websites YuWanMei.com and ConfuciusQuotes.net. "Who knew that someday we'd be able to carry forth our rich cultural traditions and promote the ethical norms of a socialist society, all at the touch of a button?"

Respectable and trustworthy sources have confirmed that rumors of a 13th website are patently false. Nevertheless, any suspicious links should be brought to the attention of government officials, so that they may be properly welcomed to the Internet by the ever-watchful Ministry of Public Security, and placed under its protective Golden Shield. 鱼

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