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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Internet Explorer Makes Desperate Overture To Become Default Browser

NASHVILLE, TN—After months of futile entreaties to upgrade to its latest version, web browser Internet Explorer made a last-ditch proposal to become local man Jeremy Drewing's primary Internet application Monday. "Internet Explorer is not currently your default browser. Would you like to make it your default browser?" the software program asked in an attempt to guilt Drewing into accepting its offer out of pure pity. Sources say Explorer went so far as to highlight the "Yes" button in the pop-up window in the hopes of baiting him into pressing it, and even emitted a sad little "beep" in a pathetic bid for attention. Drewing opted to keep Firefox as his default browser, thus relegating Internet Explorer back to its primary functions: looking up pornography and Googling ex-girlfriends.

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