Internet Friend Gradually Getting Creepier

Top Headlines


Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Internet Friend Gradually Getting Creepier

DEDHAM, MA–According to Boston-area America Online user Josh Reuss, an Internet friendship between himself and Larry Vliet of Socorro, NM, is "getting a little creepy."

The weirded-out Reuss.

The pair, who first met in a Quake III Arena chat room on AOL, quickly discovered that they share numerous interests and began a pattern of regular e-mails and instant-message conversations, which Reuss described as "pretty normal and enjoyable at first, but soon turned strange."

"One time, we were playing Quake against each other, and he killed my guy," the 31-year-old Reuss said. "A few minutes after the game ended, I get this e-mail from him saying, 'Hey, sorry I killed you, Josh. But at least now you know what it's like to be dead.' I thought that was kind of weird, but then he added, 'P.S.–Did I tell you I'm going to be in D.C. next week? Maybe I'll swing by Dedham to see you.' That's, like, 500 miles away."

Reuss' discomfort grew several days later during an e-mail exchange.

"Larry e-mailed me, supposedly just to say hi, and toward the end of his message, he asked if I had a dog," Reuss said. "I said no. So he writes back and says that's too bad, because he was wondering if I knew of any good ways to keep a dog from howling. I'm thinking to myself: Why is he asking me for help with this? And why is his dog howling?"

The following week, Reuss e-mailed Vliet to inquire if his dog had finally settled down. Vliet responded that he didn't know what Reuss was talking about, informing him that he does not have a dog.

"That was definitely some Twilight Zone shit there," Reuss said. "But then, just as I'm trying to process the whole dog thing, the thought suddenly pops into my head that he'd never made that trip to D.C. he'd been talking about. Why on Earth would someone lie about something like that?"

Compounding Reuss' unease are his repeated attempts to determine what Vliet does for a living.

A recent, just slightly creepy message from Vliet.

"A while back, I asked him what kind of job he has, just to try to start up a normal conversation, and he said, 'Oh, I do a bunch of stuff.' That got me curious, so I've asked him a few more times since, and he's always given these vague, evasive answers like, 'Oh, I pick up work here and there,' and 'Don't worry about me, Josh, I've got my ways of paying the rent, if you catch my drift.' No, I don't catch his drift."

Another font of strangeness, Reuss said, is an ongoing conversational thread he calls "the web-page issue."

"One of our first chats was about how tough it is to find good Half-Life levels on-line. At one point, I said someone should make a really good Half-Life-file web page, but he somehow got it into his head that I was saying this was something the two of us should do. He brings up 'our web page' every week or so, asking if I've made any progress. I keep telling him I don't know anything about web-site programming, but he just says, 'Well, there are books you can get that will teach you how to do it.' It's like, then you learn to do it."

Recently, Reuss has taken to signing onto AOL under a name different from the one on his account and then checking his e-mail via AOL's web page, all in an effort to avoid Vliet.

"I don't want to be rude to the guy, since, believe it or not, I'm still not 100 percent sure he's a psycho," Reuss said. "But just the same, I think I'll keep him at a healthy distance. Especially after yesterday's e-mail, where he went off about how he got drunk the other night and woke up the next morning in a hospital bed with scorpion bites all over his arms. I mean, if that story's true, that's weird. But if it's not true, well, that's even weirder."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close