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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Internet Not Quite Done Milking Cory Monteith’s Death For All It Worth

WASHINGTON—Saying that there’s “still a little juice left in that lemon,” content producers across the internet announced Friday that they aren’t quite done milking Cory Monteith’s death for all it’s worth. “I figure until we get a sound bite from every single person who worked with Cory Monteith on Glee, exhaust every possible image of him for retrospective slideshows, publish a separate post for every new tribute video, and report every minute detail of every single autopsy report, then there’s still a good bit of water at the bottom of this well,” said Starpulse.com editor John DiMico, just one of many internet content producers who sources said can definitely get a good five or six more miles out of this gas tank if they aggregate some stories about the emotional state of Monteith’s girlfriend, Lea Michele, and bang out a few more posts on the dangers of mixing drugs and alcohol. “A new trailer for Glee’s upcoming Cory Monteith tribute episode is trending online as we speak, and I’m thinking we can scare up at least one ‘Watch here’ post, one more ‘Celebrating Cory’ slideshow, and one more article with a headline like, say, ‘Behind The Smile, A Troubled Life” on my site in the next 20 minutes. After all, there’s still some change in this piggybank and it’s not going to shake itself out.” At press time, web editors across the nation had reportedly told their staff to keep up the good work after they published a video post featuring Lea Michele weeping.

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