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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Internet Not Quite Done Milking Cory Monteith’s Death For All It Worth

WASHINGTON—Saying that there’s “still a little juice left in that lemon,” content producers across the internet announced Friday that they aren’t quite done milking Cory Monteith’s death for all it’s worth. “I figure until we get a sound bite from every single person who worked with Cory Monteith on Glee, exhaust every possible image of him for retrospective slideshows, publish a separate post for every new tribute video, and report every minute detail of every single autopsy report, then there’s still a good bit of water at the bottom of this well,” said Starpulse.com editor John DiMico, just one of many internet content producers who sources said can definitely get a good five or six more miles out of this gas tank if they aggregate some stories about the emotional state of Monteith’s girlfriend, Lea Michele, and bang out a few more posts on the dangers of mixing drugs and alcohol. “A new trailer for Glee’s upcoming Cory Monteith tribute episode is trending online as we speak, and I’m thinking we can scare up at least one ‘Watch here’ post, one more ‘Celebrating Cory’ slideshow, and one more article with a headline like, say, ‘Behind The Smile, A Troubled Life” on my site in the next 20 minutes. After all, there’s still some change in this piggybank and it’s not going to shake itself out.” At press time, web editors across the nation had reportedly told their staff to keep up the good work after they published a video post featuring Lea Michele weeping.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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