adBlockCheck

Intervention Wrapped Up Before Kickoff

Top Headlines

Local

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

5 Months Of College Research Outweighed By Weekend Visiting Friend At Penn State

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school student’s top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pince’s college research over the past five months.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner.

34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician.

You To Still Die One Day

Did You Forget About That For A Minute?

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite the possibility you may have briefly been able to distract yourself from the incontrovertible fact by browsing the internet, hanging out with friends, reading, working out, or via some other diversion, sources confirmed Friday that you are still going to die one day and there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

Teacher’s Lounge The Site Of 5 Separate Emotional Breakdowns Today

CONWAY, AR—Noting that the space hasn’t gone more than two consecutive periods without being filled by the sound of soft sobbing or a sharply uttered series of curse words, sources at Conway High School confirmed that the teacher’s lounge has been the site of five separate emotional breakdowns so far today.

Alignment Of 6,071 Completely Independent Variables Necessary For Man To Feel Okay

PHILADELPHIA—Listing off an extensive set of prerequisite conditions ranging from various aspects of his physical health to the volume of the ongoing construction project outside his apartment, local man Shane Lambert confirmed Thursday that 6,071 completely independent variables must be in perfect synchrony at any given moment for him to feel okay.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.

Sudden Death Of Aunt Creates Rupture In Family Gossip Pipeline

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Grieving family members of local aunt Laurie Shelton confirmed Monday that the 48-year-old woman’s unexpected death had caused a major breach in their gossip pipeline, suddenly disrupting access to the latest dirt on all their relatives.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween

‘He Himself Is The Costume,’ Say Amazed Onlookers

SHERMAN OAKS, CA—Brilliantly subverting the very idea of a costume, conceptual genius Mark Richards, 27, reportedly stunned his fellow partygoers Friday when he announced that he had dressed as himself for Halloween.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Intervention Wrapped Up Before Kickoff

ST. LOUIS—Friends of 33-year-old Drew Sorenson characterized a Sunday alcohol-abuse intervention as a success, reporting that they'd maintained a supportive but firm tone throughout the talk, which they were able to wrap up in time to watch the 12 p.m. Rams-Falcons game.

Sorenson and friends watch the game.

"It was important that we establish certain things with Drew," said Chris Gowan, who first noticed that Sorenson's drinking had become a problem during Wild Card week last season. "We wanted him to know that we are his friends and we love him, but we won't stand by and watch him destroy his life. And we wanted to get all that said before kickoff, so we could relax and enjoy the game."

It was Gowan, Sorenson's friend since college, who persuaded the support group to meet at his apartment and confront Sorenson. Gowan acknowledged that it was difficult to draw people to his home, because the group usually meets at Sorenson's house to watch Rams games.

"We usually go to Drew's house, but Chris said it was a bad place to talk to Drew about his drinking, 'cause he could just kick everyone out if he got mad," Sorenson's brother-in-law Cory Pitts said. "Chris said we needed a non-threatening, familiar environment. So we all had to come to Chris' place, even though his television is about half the size of Drew's and he only has one couch."

Pitts picked Sorenson up early to ensure that he would be on time, and that he would have no chance to drink before the intervention.

"I suggested that maybe we should pick Drew up a little later, so he'd have enough time to make his onion dip, but Chris said we had to be strong," Pitts said. "At first, I argued, but then Chris pointed out that we didn't have any time to waste if we were going to confront Drew, give him time to open up to us, and work out a tenable plan for his recovery before the coin toss."

"So I bought some dip," Pitts added.

The element of surprise is an important part of a well-executed intervention, so Gowan was sure to have the whole group assembled when Sorenson arrived.

"We wanted everything to seem routine," said Hugh Baker, Sorenson's coworker and immediate supervisor. "We had our jerseys on, and everyone was just hanging out having a few and watching the ESPN pre-game. We got kinda edgy waiting for them to show up. We were like, 'We really don't want this talk hanging over our heads while we're watching the Rams kick ass."

As soon as he entered Gowan's apartment, Sorenson asked for a beer.

Rams player Jeff Wilkins kicks off, just moments after the intervention.

"I turned to Drew and said, 'Hey, man, we all want to talk to you about your drinking problem, so I'm going to turn the pre-game off here for a bit,'" Gowan said. "Drew was like, 'No way! What are you talking about?' It was hard, but I knew we had to do it—or at least turn off the sound."

With the sound muted on the pre-game coverage, Sorenson's friends and loved ones came forward one by one and said they believed drinking was ruining Sorenson's life and their relationships with him.

"We all took turns, trying our best to be firm, honest, and pretty quick about it," Gowan said. "And we were careful not to obstruct the screen."

There were reportedly a few tense moments during the intervention, such as when Baker threatened to fire Sorenson if he continued to drink on the job, and when Sorenson insisted the group's claims were "bullshit," adding that he was going to walk right into the kitchen and get a beer at the next commercial.

"At one point, Drew accused Chris of abusing painkillers and said I cheated in last year's Super Bowl pool," Baker said. "It got really tense. Everyone realized kickoff was only 25 minutes away and there was no resolution in sight."

Friends said they were relieved when, five minutes before kickoff, Sorenson's guard dropped, and he admitted that he'd tried but failed to stop drinking several times during the past year. He agreed to seek treatment.

"I have the greatest friends in the world," Sorenson said. "I guess it's tough love, saying things like that to a guy right before the big game against Atlanta and [quarterback] Michael Vick, but I really needed help. And I'm getting it, too—the guys made me call and sign up at this facility called the Lakeside Center immediately. Well, right after the game, I mean."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close