Intervention Wrapped Up Before Kickoff

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Healthy Eating

Intervention Wrapped Up Before Kickoff

ST. LOUIS—Friends of 33-year-old Drew Sorenson characterized a Sunday alcohol-abuse intervention as a success, reporting that they'd maintained a supportive but firm tone throughout the talk, which they were able to wrap up in time to watch the 12 p.m. Rams-Falcons game.

Sorenson and friends watch the game.

"It was important that we establish certain things with Drew," said Chris Gowan, who first noticed that Sorenson's drinking had become a problem during Wild Card week last season. "We wanted him to know that we are his friends and we love him, but we won't stand by and watch him destroy his life. And we wanted to get all that said before kickoff, so we could relax and enjoy the game."

It was Gowan, Sorenson's friend since college, who persuaded the support group to meet at his apartment and confront Sorenson. Gowan acknowledged that it was difficult to draw people to his home, because the group usually meets at Sorenson's house to watch Rams games.

"We usually go to Drew's house, but Chris said it was a bad place to talk to Drew about his drinking, 'cause he could just kick everyone out if he got mad," Sorenson's brother-in-law Cory Pitts said. "Chris said we needed a non-threatening, familiar environment. So we all had to come to Chris' place, even though his television is about half the size of Drew's and he only has one couch."

Pitts picked Sorenson up early to ensure that he would be on time, and that he would have no chance to drink before the intervention.

"I suggested that maybe we should pick Drew up a little later, so he'd have enough time to make his onion dip, but Chris said we had to be strong," Pitts said. "At first, I argued, but then Chris pointed out that we didn't have any time to waste if we were going to confront Drew, give him time to open up to us, and work out a tenable plan for his recovery before the coin toss."

"So I bought some dip," Pitts added.

The element of surprise is an important part of a well-executed intervention, so Gowan was sure to have the whole group assembled when Sorenson arrived.

"We wanted everything to seem routine," said Hugh Baker, Sorenson's coworker and immediate supervisor. "We had our jerseys on, and everyone was just hanging out having a few and watching the ESPN pre-game. We got kinda edgy waiting for them to show up. We were like, 'We really don't want this talk hanging over our heads while we're watching the Rams kick ass."

As soon as he entered Gowan's apartment, Sorenson asked for a beer.

Rams player Jeff Wilkins kicks off, just moments after the intervention.

"I turned to Drew and said, 'Hey, man, we all want to talk to you about your drinking problem, so I'm going to turn the pre-game off here for a bit,'" Gowan said. "Drew was like, 'No way! What are you talking about?' It was hard, but I knew we had to do it—or at least turn off the sound."

With the sound muted on the pre-game coverage, Sorenson's friends and loved ones came forward one by one and said they believed drinking was ruining Sorenson's life and their relationships with him.

"We all took turns, trying our best to be firm, honest, and pretty quick about it," Gowan said. "And we were careful not to obstruct the screen."

There were reportedly a few tense moments during the intervention, such as when Baker threatened to fire Sorenson if he continued to drink on the job, and when Sorenson insisted the group's claims were "bullshit," adding that he was going to walk right into the kitchen and get a beer at the next commercial.

"At one point, Drew accused Chris of abusing painkillers and said I cheated in last year's Super Bowl pool," Baker said. "It got really tense. Everyone realized kickoff was only 25 minutes away and there was no resolution in sight."

Friends said they were relieved when, five minutes before kickoff, Sorenson's guard dropped, and he admitted that he'd tried but failed to stop drinking several times during the past year. He agreed to seek treatment.

"I have the greatest friends in the world," Sorenson said. "I guess it's tough love, saying things like that to a guy right before the big game against Atlanta and [quarterback] Michael Vick, but I really needed help. And I'm getting it, too—the guys made me call and sign up at this facility called the Lakeside Center immediately. Well, right after the game, I mean."

Next Story